Road Rover Theater 3000
"Experiment #1: Reigning Cats and Dogs"


Story by
Krankor


1ST ROUGH DRAFT
MAY 26, 1997


2ND ROUGH DRAFT
JANUARY 25, 1998


Road Rovers characters, names, situations and the Road
Rovers universe are the property of Warner Bros. I nor this
script are connected with Warner Bros. in any way, shape or
form. This script is not meant to infringe on any copyrights
held by Warner Bros. or its employees but solely as fan
appreciation.
Mystery Science Theater 3000, characters, names and
situations and the Mystery Science Theater 3000 universe are
property of Best Brains INC. c 1997-1998. I nor this script
with Best Brains INC.  in any way, shape for form. This
script is not meant to infringe on any copyrights held by
Best Brains INC. or its employees but solely as fan
appreciation.
Story contents, characters, names, situations and anything
else Copyright 1996-1998 by Krankor All rights reserved. This
document may not be publicized or reproduced in any way, shape
or form. It must remain fully intact and may not be altered in
anyway. It is strictly used for not-for-profit entertainment
purposes and is not intended to infringe on any Copyrights.

Note: The jokes and humor found in this script are all good
nature fun. I didn't intend to hurt anyone's feelings and is
not vindication, just good nature fun. I combined my two
favorite shows: Road Rovers and Mystery Science Theater
3000, both which I enjoy very much.


"Experiment #1: Reigning Cats and Dogs"

FADE IN

Start with the Mystery Science Theater 3000 opening sequence

In the not too distant future
Way down in Deep 13
Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank
Were hatching an evil scheme
They hired a temp by the name of Mike
Just a regular joe they didn't like
Their experiment needed a good test case
So they conked him on the noggin
And shot him into space
"Get!!! Me!!! Down!!!"
We'll send him cheesy movies
The worst we can find (La La La)
He'll have to sit and watch them all
And we'll monitor his mind (La La La)
Now keep in mind Mike can't control
Where the movies begin or end (La La La)
He'll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his robot friends
Robot Roll Call...
Cambot ("Show yourself")
Gypsy ("I'm not ready")
Tom Servo ("Hi ho there")
Crooooooow ("That's one O")
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes
And other science facts (La La La)
Just repeat to yourself it's just a show
I should really just relax, for
Mystery... Science... Theater... 3000

Switch to tunnel sequence from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Open on the Satellite of love main set (SOL) Mike, Gypsy and
Tom Servo are all standing around looking bored. They look
at the camera.

MAGIC VOICE (OVER LOUD SPEAKERS): We'll have Commercial Sign
in 30 seconds.

They look up into the air, confused. Then, as if someone is
calling them, the gang looks directly at the camera. Mike
looks a little off to the side.

MIKE (PLEASED): Thanks Cambot.

Mike looks directly at the camera.

MIKE (PLEASED): Hi everyone. I'm Mike Nelson. You know the
story. Heroes are trapped in space. Heroes are forced to
watch cheesy movies to keep the Mads entertained. But you've
probably heard it all before.
TOM (ANNOYED): Heard it. We live it every day!
MIKE (REALIZING): Oh, and these are my friends. Gypsy.

Mike indicates to Gypsy.

GYPSY (PLEASED): Nice to make your acquaintance.
MIKE (PLEASED): And Tom.

Mike indicates to Tom.

TOM (PLEASED): Yaho.

Mike looks around.

MIKE (CONFUSED): Hey. Has anyone seen Crow?

Gypsy and Tom shake their heads no. Crow T. Robot comes
running into the room carrying a old style video recorder
with a small TV connected on top of it.

CROW (EXCITED): Guys!!! Look what I found!

They look Crow and the equipment he has carried in over.

MIKE (CONFUSED): What is it?
CROW (EXCITED): It's an video recorder plus I found  some
tapes with it.
TOM (CONFUSED): It's like no recorder I've ever seen.
CROW (EXCITED): That is because it is a format they use to
call Beta. Way before our time.

Tom, Gypsy and Mike bursts out laughing.

GYPSY (LAUGHING): Beta! You got to be kidding!
MIKE (LAUGHING): Nothing good ever came out on Beta
TOM (LAUGHING): That is worthless.
CROW (DEFENSIVE): Well if you would prefer watching the
poopy movies the Mads keep sending us that is fine by me.

Everyone stops laughing, they look at each other. Crow turns
and begins to walk away, the rest turn to him.

MIKE (DESPERATE): No wait!
GYPSY (DESPERATE): We're willing to give it a go!
TOM (DESPERATE): You leave the room with that recorder and
you're scrap metal!

Crow turns and rushes back over.

GYPSY (EXCITED): What tapes do you got?
CROW: Only one, it's a pirated version of the Star Wars
movies. It's in the machine now.
TOM (CONFUSED): Star Wars?
MIKE (CONFUSED): What's Star Wars?
GYPSY (ANNOYED): Don't you guys know anything? Star Wars was
the defense system that President Regean wanted to put into
orbit.
TOM (SARCASTIC): That's right.
CROW (SARCASTIC): Personally, I think we should have put HIM
into orbit.
MIKE (DOING RONALD REGEAN IMPERSONATION): Yes mommy.

Tom, Gypsy and Mike start laughing.

CROW (ANNOYED): No! It's a series of science fiction movies
done in the late 70's and early 80's.

Everyone stops laughing.

MIKE (PLEASED): Science Fiction. Cool.
GYPSY (PLEASE): Who stars in it?
CROW (THINKING): Some actor called Mark Skywalker. Luke
Hamill. Or something like that.
TOM (CONFUSED): Huh?
GYPSY (CONFUSED): Is he any good?
CROW (DEFENSIVE): Any good? He's starred in such classics as
Corvette Summer and SlipStream!
MIKE (IMPRESSED): Whoa.
GYPSY (UNSURE): Well I'm willing to give it a go.
TOM (PLEASED): Why not.

Crow puts the video recorder on the counter and Mike plugs
it in. Crow presses the play button but nothing happens.

GYPSY (CONFUSED): Hmmm. Nothing.
MIKE (CONFUSED): Nada
TOM (CONFUSED): No picture.

Everyone looks the TV and recorder over, Crow looks at the
plug.

CROW (REALIZING): There is the problem. One of the wires of
the power cord is broken.

Crow looks to Mike.

CROW (BLUNT): Hey Mike, why don't you twist the ends
together.
MAGIC VOICE (OVER LOUD SPEAKER): Really stupid thing which
you will all regret the rest of your lives in five seconds.
MIKE (CONCERNED): Won't I get electrocuted?
CROW (SLY): Come on. It's only 110 volts.
MIKE (EMBARRASSED): Oh, okay.

Mike bends down and touches both ends of the wires, power
surges through his entire body. The VCR smokes badly. He
lets go and falls to the floor, his eyes are closed. Mike
and Gypsy look him over. Tom feels for a pulse.

CROW (EMBARRASSED): Well, I guess we could have unplugged
the cord first.

Tim rips his hand away from Mike.

TOM (SHOCKED): There's no pulse!
CROW (DOING DOCTOR MCCOY IMPERSONATION): He's dead Jim.

Tom looks at Gypsy.

TOM (EXCITED): Do something! You're the one with all the
medical training!
GYPSY: Sure.

Gypsy stands on Mike's chest and starts jumping up and down
on him. Each time she lands Mike's eyes bug out of his head.
After about the third time, he comes back to life. But she
keeps jumping.

MIKE (IN PAIN): Okay Gypsy! I'm living again!
GYPSY (CONFUSED): And your point?
MIKE (IN PAIN): You can stop!

Gypsy stops and gets off Mike.

GYPSY (DISAPPOINTED): Spoil sport.

Mike gets to his feet.

TOM (CONFUSED): What happened?
GYPSY: Mike touched 1110 volts.

Mike looks at Gypsy.

MIKE (ANNOYED): You knew it was 1110 volt! Why did you let
me touch it?
GYPSY (SARCASTIC): And miss out watching your eyes bug out
of his head like that?

Mike shakes his head in disgust. One of the three large
buttons on the counter starts flashing.

MAGIC VOICE (OVER LOUD SPEAKERS): Commercial sign in five,
four, three, two, one. Commercial Sign now.

Mike reaches for the flashing button while looking at the
camera.

MIKE: We'll be right back.

Switch to the Mystery Science Theater 3000 logo slowly
rotating.

After the commercials. Back on the SOL set, the gang has the
VCR all apart and are trying to get it to work. Finally,
Mike throws some parts she is holding down on the counter.

MIKE (FRUSTRATED): It's hopeless! I don't think I can stand
through another one of the Mads' awful movies. You got to
fix it!
TOM (DOING SCOTTY IMPERSONATION): But captin. Aye neeed mor
tim.
CROW (BREAKING INTO DOING CAPTAIN KIRK): Iii needdd moreee
powerrr, Misterrr Scotttt. Nottt excusesss.
TOM (STILL DOING SCOTTY): Captin. I've givn ya all she's
got.
CROW (DOING CAPTAIN KIRK): Misterrr Scotttt. I'mmm
responsibleee forrrr theee livesss offf 420 crewww
membersss.
GYPSY: Ahhh!
CROW (STILL DOING KIRK): 419.
GYPSY: Ahhh!
CROW (STILL DOING KIRK): 418.
GYPSY: Ahhh!
CROW (STILL DOING KIRK): 417. Darnnn thoughhh reddd
shirtsss!
One of the lights on the counter starts flashing. Mike
notices this.
MIKE (ANNOYED): Knock it off. Starsky and Hutch are calling.
Besides, I thought we agreed one Star Trek impersonation per
show.

Mike reaches for the flashing button, the rest hang their
heads in shame.

TOM (EMBARRASSED): William Shartner, can you ever forgive
us?
CROW (SARCASTIC): Why? No one ever forgave him.

Mike presses the button.

Switch to the Gizmonic Institute, there Clayton Forrester
and TV's Frank are dressed in lab coats and looking at the
camera.

CLAYTON (ANNOYED): Starsky and Hutch indeed. Is that the
best you can do?

Frank starts jumping up and down waving his hand high.

FRANK (EXCITED): Doctor Forrester! I want to be Hutch! I
want to be Hutch!

Clayton turns and looks at Frank.

CLAYTON (BLUNT): Like who doesn't Frank?
FRANK (EXCITED): Well can I? Huh? Can I?
CLAYTON (BLUNT): No.
FRANK (EXCITED): I'll give you a quick trim if you let me!

Clayton thinks for a moment.

CLAYTON (ANNOYED): No. We have a lot to do. Now settle down
or I'll have to kill you again.

Frank stops jumping and hangs his head.

FRANK (DISAPPOINTED): It's not fair, you always get to play
Hutch.

Clayton turns back to the screen.

CLAYTON: Well booby. Hello again from the Gizmonic
Institute. We've got a real nasty one for you this week. You
survives Chips, you survived Emergency and you even survived
all the Gillian Island remakes. Even the one AFTER Alan
Hale's death. But let's see you get through today's movie:
Baywatch.

Switch back to the SOL where the gang are staring at the
camera, frighten. Switch back to Clayton and Frank.

CLAYTON (SMUG): That's right. David Hasselhoff, Pamela
Anderson and whoever else plays on the show. But it gets
better. It's not just any episode, it is an evil twin
episode.

Switch back to SOL, the gang starts shaking with fear.
Switch back to Clayton and Frank.

CLAYTON (SMUG): But not just the one with David's evil twin,
but also Pamela's.

Switch back to SOL. Everyone is panicking and screaming.

MIKE (TERRIFIED): Nooo!!!
GYPSY (TERRIFIED): Simply awful!!!
CROW (TERRIFIED): Kill us now!!!
TOM (TERRIFIED): Isn't this one of the signs the end of the
world is near?

Switch back to Clayton And Frank, he is laughing menacingly.

CLAYTON (EVIL): Yes. This is it! If this movie won't enable
me to take over the world nothing will!

Clayton looks over the Frank, he is still sulking.

CLAYTON: Send them the movie, Frank.
FRANK (UPSET): Just once I'd like to be Hutch!
CLAYTON (ANGRY): Send them the movie! Now Starsky!

Frank growls with anger, then walks over to a computer.

CLAYTON (EVIL): Today The Satellite of Love! Tomorrow
Piscataway!

Clayton laughs menacingly. Frank looks at the screen, his
mouth drops open.

FRANK (EMBARRASSED): Ooops.

Clayton stops laughing.

CLAYTON (CONCERNED): I definitely heard an ooops.

Clayton turns and looks at Frank.

CLAYTON (CONCERNED): What did you do Frank?

Frank quickly turns and looks at Clayton.

FRANK (EMBARRASSED): Nothing. Nothing.

Clayton grabs Frank by the ear and tugs on it, Franks cries
in pain.

CLAYTON (ANNOYED): There is no such thing as a nothing
ooops. Tell me what you did before I turn you into Vangoe!

Frank squeals with pain.

FRANK (IN PAIN): Okay! Okay! I kind of downloaded the wrong
film.

Clayton continues to tug on Frank's ear.

CLAYTON(ANGRY): How kind of?
FRANK (IN PAIN): I got a WB cartoon instead.

Clayton stops tugging.

CLAYTON (THINKING): Hmmm. If it's Waynehead I won't kill
you.

Clayton lets go of Franks's ear and pushes him aside. Frank
is very relieved and rubs his ear. Clayton looks at the
screen.

CLAYTON: Road Rovers? What's a Road Rover?
FRANK (STILL IN SLIGHT PAIN): Maybe it's a spin-off of
Renegade.
CLAYTON (UPBEAT): Oooh. Now that would be a nice bad one.

Clayton reads the screen.

CLAYTON (READING): This episode is called Reigning Cats and
Dogs. Sound like the animals are in control here.
FRANK (PLEASED): Maybe it was funded by Greenpeace and the
NRA got together.

Clayton continues to read the screen.

CLAYTON (READING): Stars Jess Harnell, Tress MacNeille.
Apparently this movie was made in some country where by law
your first name must end is Ess.
FRANK (PLEASED): Ooo. Canada.

Clayton keeps reading.

CLAYTON (READING): Brought to you by Tom Ruegger, the man
who brought you Animaniacs and Tiny Toon Adventures.
FRANK (PLEASED): Tiny Toon Adventures? Sounds like a Muppet
Babies rip-off.
CLAYTON (HOPEFUL): We can only hope.
FRANK (CONFUSED): But what is an Animaniacs?
CLAYTON (UNSURE): Sounds Japanese to me.

Clayton and Frank's mouth drop open, they turn and looks at
each other.

FRANK (EXCITED): You think it could be one of those Anime
films?
CLAYTON (EXCITED): It just might well be.

Frank and Clayton hug each other and start jumping up and
down.

CLAYTON (EXCITED): I'm going to rule the world!
They continue to hug and jump.

Back on the SOL, the gang looks at the camera horrified and
disgusted.
CROW (SARCASTIC): Oh yeah. I'm REALLY glad I'm seeing this.
GYPSY (SHOCKED): Think of the children!
Mike gives an "excuse me" cough.

Back with Clayton and Frank, they hear Mike's cough. They
stop jumping and let go of each other, they face the camera.

FRANK (EMBARRASSED): Yes.
CLAYTON (EMBARRASSED): There will be plenty of time for that
later.
FRANK (ANNOYED): That is what you always say.
CLAYTON (SERIOUS): Today's experiment is a little gem called
Road Rovers: Reigning Cats and Dogs.
It's an Amine feature with everyone's first name ends with
Ees. Read it a weep Mike.
FRANK (CAUTIOUS): Er, Sir. It's a movie. They don't read it.
CLAYTON (ANNOYED): Just send them the movie Frank!

Frank goes back over to the computer and presses a button on
the key board.

Switch back to SOL. Lights are flashing and an alarm is
sounding. Everyone is running around.
MIKE (EXCITED): Oh no! We've got movie sign!!!

The tunnel door opens and everyone runs off camera. Switch
to tunnel sequence from Mystery Science Theater 3000. Switch
to the theater where Mike is walking in carrying Tom, Crow
follows him. They all sit down as the title sequence to the
film starts.

SINGERS (VOICE OVER): Barkin', scratchin', frisbee-catchin'
Presidential pets.
HUNTER (VOICE OVER): That's us.
CROW (EXCITED): Aaah! That dog talked!
SINGERS (VOICE OVER): Change into the canines who drive
souped-up cars and jets.
COLLEEN (VOICE OVER): Comin' through!
TOM (EXCITED): Lassie just did too!
SINGERS (VOICE OVER): Tookus-nippin', toilet-sippin' Soarin'
through the sky.
EXILE (VOICE OVER): I like it!
MIKE (SARCASTIC): You tell them gorbie.
SINGERS (VOICE OVER): Lickin', droolin', quick refuelin' Who
says dogs can't fly?
CROW (DRUGIE VOICE): But I sure am! Look at the talking
puppies.
BLITZ (VOICE OVER): Not me.
TOM (FRUSTRATED): Oh great. They got Arnold too!
SINGERS (VOICE OVER): Speedin', crashin', villain-smashin'
vehicles explode.
MIKE (UPBEAT): Sounds like a guy flick.
ROAD ROVERS (VOICE OVER): Oooh.
SINGERS (VOICE OVER): Chasin', racin' down the road Road
Rovers.
CROW (SARCASTIC): I bet you the only one who were chasing
them were the investors.
SINGERS (VOICE OVER): Hunter is a hero hound leader of the
pack.
TOM (SARCASTIC): Frank Sanatra?
HUNTER (VOICE OVER): Huh. Cool.
MIKE (DRUGIE VOICE): DUUUDE!
SINGERS (VOICE OVER): Colleen comes from London town watch
her feet attack.
CROW (SARCASTIC): What? You saying she has some kind of foot
odor problem?
COLLEEN (VOICE OVER): Hi-Ya!
SINGERS (VOICE OVER): Exile's from Siberia with super frozen
sight.
EXILE  (VOICE OVER): That's me.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Ah. Yeah.
SINGERS (VOICE OVER): Blitz chews on posteriors his bark's
worse than his bite.

Blitz bites a baddie in the tooshie in a boat.

CROW (SARCASTIC): Man. Remind me never to tell Blitz to bite
me.
BLITZ (VOICE OVER): I'm perfect.
SINGERS (VOICE OVER): Shag is strong from head to toe a
coward through and through.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Now there is a trait you'd want to brag
about.
SHAG (VOICE OVER): Ruff, ruff, ruff.
TOM (SARCASTIC): Apparently, this Shag is the talkative one
of the bunch.
SINGERS (VOICE OVER): Muzzle's stack is gonna blow he's
short a screw or two.
CROW (SARCASTIC): Muzzle must be the actor slash director
slash writer slash best boy.
MUZZLE (VOICE OVER): Uhh, Uhh
SINGERS (VOICE OVER): They fight for right both day and
night in every episode.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): They're young Republicans!
HUNTER (VOICE OVER): Let's roll!
SINGERS (VOICE OVER): Now it's time to hit the road Road
Rovers!
TOM (SARCASTIC): Oh. Don't leave on our account.
CROW (SARCASTIC): On second thought, please do.

The episode starts in deep space. "Reigning Cats and Dogs -
Part 3" appears of the screen and disappears.

MIKE (EXCITED): Part three! We're coming in the middle of
it?
TOM (REASSURING): With one of the Mad's movies this can only
be good.
HUNTER (VOICE OVER, DOING SHATNER IMPERSONATION): Hunter's
log. Stardate the day after yesterday.
CROW (SARCASTIC): Oh geez! Another poke at Shatner!
TOM (FRUSTRATED): Can't they just leave the guy alone?

The Space Rover, a spaceship in the shape of a dog with a
Frisbee in its mouth, flies across the screen.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Bah. Where is a fire hydrant when you need
one? I knew I should have used the one three light years
back.

HUNTER (VOICE OVER): We've been searching doggedly for
General Parvo.
CROW (CONFUSED): Parvo? Isn't that like a virus?
TOM (SARCASTIC): Yeah. And so is this movie so far.
MIKE (EXCITED): Quick! Where is the penicillin!

The camera zooms in onto the Space Rover and switches to the
bridge of the ship which looks very similar to the set of
the old Enterprise. Hunter is in the captain's chair,
Colleen and Exile are in the navigators chairs and Blitz is
in sitting at the science officer's station.

HUNTER (FRUSTRATED): Bummer. There is nothing here but empty
space.

Exile turns and looks at Hunter.

EXILE (SMUG): Looking at x-ray of Blitz's brain?
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Yeah. Like I'm gong to believe a talking
Husky.
CROW (SARCASTIC): Must be rejects from the Francis the
Talking Mule era.

Colleen turns and looks at Exile.

TOM (PLEASED): Say. Who's Lassie there?
COLLEEN (CONFUSED): Who?
EXILE (SMUG): You know. Weird Boy.
MIKE/TOM/CROW (HORRIFIED): AAAHHH!!! DON'T LET ME PAULY
SHORE IS IN THIS MOVIE!!!

Blitz turns and looks at Exile.

BLITZ: Okay. Keep it up Exile and the biting of the mushy
parts will begin.
CROW (PLEASED): Wow. Blitz takes the term Bite Me seriously.
Cool.
COLLEEN (GROSSED): Eeeew. Blimey, this is odd.
CROW (MOCKING ENGLISH): Eeew. Eeew. Eeew. Aren't WE heavy
into the queen's English.

Tom looks at Crow.

TOM (DEFENSIVE): Leave her alone Crow!

Crow looks at Tom, shocked. They then look back at the
screen. Colleen looks at her console which has a screen very
similar to a radar screen on it.

MIKE (RUSSIAN ACCENT): Captain! I've located the Red
October!
CROW (SARCASTIC): Are we anywhere near Montana?
COLLEEN (CONFUSED): The sensors indicate that Parvo is
close.
TOM (LOVINGLY): Oh Colleen, I wish you'd hold me close.
COLLEEN (CONFUSED) But the scanners indicate the field
totally clear.
MIKE (CONFUSED): Er. Aren't scanners and sensors the same
thing?

An alarm sound as the ship shakes, every control panel
shoots sparks.

CROW (IMITATING HUNTER): Everyone abandon ship. Women,
children and retrievers who impersonate Shatner first!
TOM (SARCASTIC): Oooh. Nice alarm. Shakes the ship and
shorts out every control panel.

The ships stops shaking, the alarm dies and the panels stop
sparking.

MIKE (SURPRISED): Look. All the controls are back to normal.
CROW (SARCASTIC): Did Irwin Allen direct this?
EXILE (ANNOYED): Oh boy.
TOM (CONFUSED): Shouldn't that be oh dog?
HUNTER (ANNOYED): It's Parvo.
MIKE (IMPERSONATING JACK NICKLESON): Here's Johnny!

On the main view screen a bulldog shaped space ship appears.
The scene switches to the outside of the ships.

CROW (SARCASTIC): That dog looks awfully happy to see the
other dog.

A large hatch opens underneath the Bulldog ship.

MIKE (CONCERNED): You don't think they are about to...

Little fighters pop out of the hatch.

TOM (BABY-LIKE): Aw wook at the wittle babies.

The fighters begin to attack the Space Rover.

CROW (SARCASTIC): Geeez. Talk about wanting all the
attention.

Switch to the bridge of the Bulldog ship. Groomer flies the
craft while Parvo manages a station behind her.

PARVO (SMUG): They never saw us coming Groomer.
MIKE (IMPERSONATING GROOMER): And yet we weren't even able
to inflict any damage. We're some crappy villains.
GROOMER (SUCKING UP): Yes General. Those dogs are no match
for your brilliance.
TOM (SARCASTIC): What do you expect. He's a chrome dome?

Parvo stands up.

PARVO (SMUG): And?

Groomer turns towards Parvo.

GROOMER (SEARCHING): And. Your strength is more than theirs
combined.
CROW (SARCASTIC): But smell isn't everything.

Parvo folds his arms.

PARVO (SMUG): Go on.
GROOMER (REALLY SEARCHING): And you are more than a man then
they will ever be.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): No kidding. They are dogs!
PARVO (SMUG): Yes I am.
CROW (IMPERSONATING GROOMER): And are the biggest dickweed
ever.
TOM (IMPERSONATING PARVO): Yes I am.

Switch back to the exterior of the Space Rover. Parvo's
fighters are still attacking.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Does this bug you? Does this bug you? I'm
blasting you.
CROW (FAKE CRYING): Knock it off guys or I'm going to tell
mom.

Switch back to the bridge of the Space Rover. The ship
shakes and the Rovers are getting knocked around.

TOM (SARCASTIC): Okay. Lean to the left. Now lean to the
right. Now lean to the left.
HUNTER (STERN): Battle stations Rovers!
MIKE (SARCASTIC): G-3.
CROW (SARCASTIC): Aaah! You sunk my Battle station!

Switch to the exterior again, the fighters are still
attacking.

TOM (SARCASTIC): Nice defenses when tiny fighters can
penetrate them.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Must have been designed by the same shmuck
who did the Deathstar.
CROW (CONFUSED): George Lucas?
HUNTER (VOICE OVER): Disengaging Rover saucer.
TOM (SARCASTIC): Engaging the Rover nava computer which is
powered by the Rover reactor through the Rover interface.
CROW (SARCASTIC): Get me a Rover burger with a side of
Rovers and a big gulp Rover to drink.
MIKE (CONFUSED): Why all of a sudden do I feel like Adam
West directed this?
TOM (DEFENSIVE): No way! If he had it would be cool!

Switch to a close up of the saucer section.

HUNTER (VOICE OVER): Begin defensive maneuvers.

Crow looks at Mike.

CROW (CONFUSED): Er, Mike. What exactly are defensive
maneuvers?
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Put the pedal to the metal and get us the
heck away from here!
CROW (CONFUSED): I figured as much.

Crow looks back at the screen as the saucer detaches from
the rest of the ship.

TOM (SARCASTIC): Seen it.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Done it.

Engines on the saucer fire and the ship speeds away.

HUNTER (VOICE OVER): Let's lead them astray.
CROW (SARCASTIC): Oh. I see that James Bond wrote all the
puns for this one.

The Bulldog ship begins to chase the saucer.

TOM (SARCASTIC): Go on boy. Fetch. Go get it.

The Bulldog ship opens fire on the saucer but misses.

MIKE (IMITATING HUNTER): Okay. Okay. Your mother DOESN'T
wear army boots.

The saucer swoops down and flies over a planet. The Bulldog
ship follows, firing.

CROW (IMITATING BEN KENOBI): Luke. Use the force.
TOM (IMITATING LUKE): Forget that noise! I'm just going to
get another agent!

Switch back to the bridge of the Space Rover. Colleen turns
to Hunter.

COLLEEN (SARCASTIC): We might have to cancel our weekend
plans Huntie.
TOM (CONFUSED): She called him Huntie?
MIKE (IMPERSONATING HUNTER): You mean I spending the entire
weekend watching sports while you nag me about the yard
work?
HUNTER (CONCERNED): What about our golf game?
CROW (SARCASTIC): Watching dogs playing golf. That is just
plain weird.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): It has got to be better than watching this
movie.

Switch to the exterior as the saucer zips around as lasers
fire at it.

CROW (IMITATING A HILLBILLY): You Hatfield! You come around
here again I'll give you both barrels!

The saucer zooms off the screen. Switch back to the bridge
of the Space Rover. A blast shakes it violently, Colleen
flies out of her sit and lads in Hunter's lap. Tom is
shocked.

MIKE (ANNOYED): You ever notice how it is the female who
falls out of her chair?
CROW (SARCASTIC): It's a girl thing.

Colleen looks at Hunter.

COLLEEN (SARCASTIC): I guess you'll have to practice your
nine iron on Parvo.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Actually, I prefer a 27 Iron.

Hunter looks at Colleen.

HUNTER (SARCASTIC): That should tee him off.
CROW (SARCASTIC): Again, thank you James Bond. You've
corrupted an entire generation.

The ship shakes even more violently.

EXILE (STERN): We have turbulence.
MIKE (IMPERSONATING HUNTER): Captain's personal note. Beans
will no longer be offered in the food replicaters.

Switch to exterior where a gray whirling vortex can be seen.

EXILE (VOICE OVER): It's a black hole.
CROW (ANNOYED): Geez! You can't see a black hole!
TOM (SARCASTIC): Actually, it's more like a gray hole.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Twister two: The tornado goes cosmic!

The saucer appears and speeds towards the black hole.

HUNTER (VOICE OVER): Is that a good thing?
CROW (SARCASTIC): Only if Weird Al Yanavic gets sucked into
it.
COLLEEN (VOICE OVER): It is if you want to be compressed
into oblivion.
TOM (SARCASTIC): Actually, it would probably be better than
watching this movie.

The Bulldog ship begins to follow. Switch to the bridge of
the Bulldog. Groomer flies the ship and Parvo is in the back
ground messing with some controls.
GROOMER (URGENT): Everything is under control General. I'll
have us out of here as soon as I set new coordinates.

A control panel next to Parvo fries. Both he and Groomer
look at it.

MIKE (IMPERSONATING PARVO): Eggs are done.

The ship begins to break apart. Parvo looks at Groomer.

PARVO: But first obliterate those dogs!
CROW (IMPERSONATING GANGSTER): Nay. I'll get my best men on
it. Nay. Pluto and Goofy will rub them out and to give them
cement collars. Nay.

Groomer looks at Parvo.

GROOMER (EXCITED): But the ship is breaking up!
TOM (IMPERSONATING GROOMER): Just like our relationship.
PARVO (ANGRY): Don't disappointment me!
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Gee. I figured he'd be use to
disappointments when it come to women.

Switch to exterior with the black hole still swirling. The
saucer flies into the black hole.

CROW (SARCASTIC): Looks like the tidy bowl man is really
going on a rampage this time.

Switch to the bridge of the saucer. Exile and Blitz are
hanging onto the back of their chairs as a stiff wind blows
them horizontally, Shag hangs into Blitz for dear life.
Debris flies in their faces. Mike, Tom and Crow burst out
laughing.

MIKE (LAUGHING): Oh geez! Give me a break!
CROW (LAUGHING): Their inside a ship! Not in the middle of
Kansas!
TOM (LAUGHING): It's a twister! It's a twister! There's no
place like home! There's no place like home!

Switch to the exterior of the black hole and everyone
settles down. The Bulldog ship is sucked inside.

MIKE (IMPERSONATING PARVO): I knew we were a few payments
behind but the bank has gone too far this time!

Switch to the bridge of the saucer. Hunter is working the
controls of his command chair desperately as Colleen looks
on from the background.

CROW (SARCASTIC): Dang! How do you make this thing recline?
COLLEEN (CONCERNED): Can you get us out of here luv?
TOM (CONFUSED): Is she talking to me?
HUNTER (BLUNT): Give me a minute.
MIKE (IMPERSONATING COLLEEN): Give, give, give. That is all
this relationship is to you!

Tom looks at Mike, annoyed.

COLLEEN (EXCITED): We don't have a minute!
MIKE(SARCASTIC): Then give me 60 seconds.
CROW (IMPERSONATING COLLEEN): Okay.

Tom now looks at Crow, annoyed.

HUNTER (SMUG): Oooh. Then buckle up Rovers.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): I sure hope that ship is equipped with
those special seat belts for dogs.

Tom looks back at the screen. Switch to exterior of black
hole. The saucer's engine fire, it turns and flies out of
the black hole.

TOM (SARCASTIC): Yeah! Right! Light can't escape a black
hole but a giant Frisbee can!
CROW (SARCASTIC): Whamo is doing some amazing things with
Frisbee technology nowadays.

The Space Rover flies by and catches the saucer in its
mouth.

CROW (PLEASED): Good dog. Now bring it here.

The Space Rover continues on off the screen.

CROW (EXCITED): Hey! You bring that back this instant!

Switch back to the Bulldog ship as it tries to fly out of
the black hole but fails.

TOM (IMPERSONATING PARVO): I hate it when this happens!

Switch to the Space Rover as it flies through space.

CROW (ANNOYED): I'm still waiting for you to give me the
Frisbee boy.

Switch to the bridge of the Space Rover. It is in disarray
and the Rovers all laying unconscious all over the place.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Being a Rover must be a union job.

One by one the Rovers come to. Exile looks at the screen and
points at the black hole.

EXILE (EXCITED): Look! Parvo's ship! It is kaputski!
TOM (SARCASTIC): Oh yes. Those English lessons are really
paying off Exile.
BLITZ (DISAPPOINTED): That is so sad.
ROVERS (CONFUSED): Huh?
TOM (SARCASTIC): What? The script?

Everyone turns and looks at Blitz, confused. He holds up his
finger which has a broken finger nail.

BLITZ (DISAPPOINTED): I broke a nail.
ROVERS (RELIEVED): Oh.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Can we space him?

Switch to exterior of the Space Rover.

HUNTER (VOICE OVER): Let's head home Rovers.
CROW (EXCITED): All right! It's over!
MIKE (EXCITED): Wo! Wo! Wo!

Mike and Crow high five each other. The Space Rover jumps to
light speed just like the Enterprise.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Oh. I wonder if Paramount knows about
this.

Back inside of the black hole, the Bulldog is twisting out
of control.

TOM (SARCASTIC): I regret nothing. Well, except flying into
this black hole. Now that was REALLY stupid.

Switch to the bridge of the Bulldog. Groomer is desperately
fighting at the controls while Parvo looks on.

PARVO (ANNOYED): Quick Groomer! We're losing the Rovers!
MIKE (SMUG): Like who cares! You two are toast and the movie
is over!
CROW (SMUG): This must be a short.
GROOMER (DESPERATE): I'm trying General.
TOM (SARCASTIC): Hey. Since Groomer is a woman don't you
think her name should be Brider?
PARVO (ANGRY): Don't try. Do it!
MIKE (SARCASTIC): In his last dying moments Parvo suddenly
turns into Yoda.

Groomer plays with the controls and the ship speeds forward.
Switch to the external of the black hole as the Bulldog
flies out of it. Mike and Crow are shocked.

MIKE (EXCITED): What! You can't fly out of a black hole!
Nothing can!
CROW (EXCITED): They should be stuck inside for all
eternity!
TOM (EXCITED): Let's face it guys. Physics just doesn't
apply to a bad movie.

Everyone sighs in disgust.

GROOMER (VOICE OVER): I know you're disappointed General.
MIKE (IMPERSONATING PARVO): But I really thought Spam
clothes would catch on.

Switch to the Bridge of the Bulldog space ship, Groomer and
Parvo are talking.

GROOMER (REASSURING): But I'll make it up to you. I promise.
CROW (IMPERSONATING PARVO): You mean you'll bake me some of
your Spam brownies?
PARVO (SMUG): Actually, Groomer. There is a bright side to
all this.
GROOMER (CONFUSED): There is?
TOM (SARCASTIC): Your whites are whiter in all Temp-A-Cheer?
PARVO (SMUG): This black hole is exactly what I've been
looking for. If I can harness its power I can build a device
for traveling through time.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Oookay.
CROW (SARCASTIC): One strait jacket and a dose of prozac for
the wacko at table three!
GROOMER (CONFUSED): Why would you want to do that?
TOM (SARCASTIC): Oh yes. The suspense is killing me.
PARVO (SMUG): You'll see.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): In other words he doesn't have a clue.

Switch to exterior of Parvo's hideout set in the mountains
on earth.

PARVO (VOICE OVER): Aaah. It's good to be home.
CROW (SARCASTIC): Aaah. Martha Steward on her off hours.

Switch to the interior of the base and the Cano-Mutator, a
device used for turning dogs into mutants.

PARVO (PLEASED): Now. Time for a little zap in the Cano-
Mutator.
TOM (SARCASTIC): It looks like a giant microwave.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Hey. Parvo. Mind holding this bag of
popcorn while you're in there?

Parvo steps inside the machine. He is shocked and jolted a
bit, then steps out without his helmet. He has ears and fur
(where a human would have hair) of a cat.

CROW (SARCASTIC): Meeeow. Him and Groomer could have a cat
fight.
TOM (EXCITED): Oh please, oh please, oh please.

Parvo falls to the ground gasping for air.

PARVO (GASPING): Oxygen. I need my oxygen..
MIKE (SARCASTIC): He should really give up smoking.
CROW (IMPERSONATING PARVO, GASPING): What do you mean.
Smoking hasn't affected me one bit.

Groomer rushes up to Parvo with a bottle of oxygen.

GROOMER (CONCERNED): Aaah. You've got to stop these
treatments General. I don't think they are helping you.
MIKE (DRUGIE): But look at the colors!

Groomer places the mask over Parvo's face.

TOM (TALKING AS IF HE JUST INHALED SOME HELIUM ): What do
you mean? Oh. Groomer. You mixed the helium tank with the
oxygen take again.

Parvo responds and removes the mask.

PARVO (SMUG): Nonsense. It is making me a better man.

Parvo puts the mask back on and takes a few more whiffs.
Crow looks at Tom.

CROW (SARCASTIC): If that's a better man then I'm glad I'm a
robot.
TOM (SARCASTIC): Tell me about it. We got a better chance to
get a girl than he does.

Crow nods and looks back at the screen. Parvo discards the
mask, gets up and grabs his helmet.

PARVO (SMUG): Soon, I'll be rid of my former feline self.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Oooh. His feminine side.
CROW (SARCASTIC): I love a man who can cry and has nine
lives.
TOM (SARCASTIC): They should have called him Morris.
PARVO (SMUG): But that's not our first priority right now.
MIKE (ANNOYED): Then why did you bring it up?
PARVO (SMUG): The Time Transporter is.
CROW (SARCASTIC): Well duh! Everyone knows that!

Switch to the Time Transporter. A complex machine with a
golden statue on the pad.

PARVO (VOICE OVER): We'll send this little trinket to the
past.
TOM (IMPERSONATING GROOMER): Can you send me back as well
before I met you?

Switch to the control station of the Time Transporter,
Groomer and Parvo are at the controls. She salutes him.

CROW (IMPERSONATING GROOMER): As you say General dickweed.
GROOMER (BLUNT): Everything is ready for our test general.
MIKE (IMPERSONATING PARVO): OUR test. I think you are
forgetting whose the evil villain here.

Switch to the controls of the Time Transporter, Parvo is
adjusting the time coordinates.

MIKE (IMPERSONATING PARVO): Let's see. What date should I
set.
TOM (SARCASTIC): How about 2525?
CROW (SARCASTIC): Is man still alive?
TOM (SARCASTIC): Has woman survived?
PARVO (SMUG): November, 1922. A wonderful point in history.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): What? Beanie Babies were invented then?
TOM/CROW (FRANTIC): NNNOOO!!!

Switch to statue on the Time Transporter pad, it is a golden
statue of Parvo. It begins to glow.

PARVO (SMUG): I look a little like an Oscar. Don't I?
MIKE (SARCASTIC): That is the closest you're going to get to
one.

The statue is bathed in bright lights and then disappears.

TOM (IMPERSONATING PARVO): Er. I meant to do that.

Switch to the middle of the desert. "Valley of the Kings,
Egypt November 26, 1922 (Noonish)" appears on the screen.

CROW (POMPOUS ENGLISH ACCENT): Ew. Ew. Ew. Noonish is no
good for me, I've got a cricket match then.

Switch to interior of an ancient tomb. A group of men bust
in. An archeologist steps inside and starts searching.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Hey! Where is his leather jacket and
fedora?
ARCHEOLOGIST (IMPRESSED): Aaah. The tomb of Tutankumon.
TOM (SARCASTIC): Funny. I thought it was just an Egyptian
Seven Eleven.

The Archeologist continues to search the Tomb and finds the
statue of Parvo, he picks it up and examines it.

ARCHEOLOGIST (CONFUSED): Who is this guy?
CROW (IMPERSONATING STALONE): I'm your worst nightmare.
TOM (SARCASTIC): Or you're best friend. You decide.

Switch back to the interior of Parvo's base, Parvo and
Groomer anxiously monitor the controls. "Time Transport
Completed" flashes on the screen.

MIKE (IMPERSONATING JOHN CAMERON SWASZI): Takes a licking
and keeps on ticking.

Tom looks at Crow.

TOM (CONFUSED): I wonder if John Cameron Swaszi is related
to Patrick Swaszi.

Crow looks at Tom.

CROW (SARCASTIC): I hope for John's sake he isn't.

Crow and Tom look back at the screen.

GROOMER (SHOCKED): We succeeded.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Watch Parvo say something like "As I knew
we would."
PARVO (SMUG): As I knew we would.
MIKE (SMUG): See!

Tom looks at Mike.

TOM (SURPRISED): How did you know that Mike?
MIKE (SMUG): These villains are all alike. I don't see how
they ever manage to outwit the good guys.

Tom looks back at the Screen. Parvo plays with a dial.

PARVO (PLEASED): Groomer. Pack my bags.
CROW (IMPERSONATING GROOMER, CRYING): What? You're leaving
me? How could you?
PARVO (PLEASED): I'm going back in time before Shepherd
created those Road Rovers.
TOM (CONFUSED): A Shepherd? I'd figure a geneticist would
have invented talking dogs.
CROW (SARCASTIC): Or at the very least June Lockhart.
PARVO (SMUG): Once I destroy him there will be no master.
MIKE (CONFUSED): Master? Shepherd? This is taking on
religious significance.
TOM (SARCASTIC): Yeah. I'm praying for the end of this
movie.
PARVO (SMUG): And there will be only one Transdogmafier.
Mine!
CROW (SARCASTIC): Not to be confused with the Veg-O-Matic.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): I wonder if you get a Ginsu knife for
every Transdogmafier you buy.
GROOMER (LOVINGLY): Aye aye sir.
TOM (TALKING LIKE A PIRATE): Arrrgh! And beware of the one
legged man!
CROW (SARCASTIC): Or the one armed man.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Or the four legged horse.

Parvo adjusts some controls.

PARVO (SMUG): One more last jolt for the road.
CROW (SARCASTIC): Twice the sugar and caffeine.

Parvo steps into the Cano-Mutator and starts getting
shocked.

PARVO (ENJOYING): Oooh. Aaah.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): He's enjoying that WAY too much.

Switch to outside of Parvo's base. The Sky Rover swoops down
towards it.

EXILE (VOICE OVER): It is Parvo's headquarters.
TOM (SARCASTIC): What a coincidence!

The Sky Rover fires lasers at the base and hits it.

CROW (IMPERSONATION PARVO): Dang! I knew I should have
gotten an unlisted number!

A large jet flies over the base.

HUNTER (PLEASED): We found him crew!

The sound of the Rovers howling can be heard.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Imagine the odds of them all stubbing
their toe at the same time.
TOM (SARCASTIC): The same odds as this becoming a popular
show!

Doors underneath the plane open and Hunter bails out, he is
wearing a jet pack and has a laser rifle.

CROW (IMPERSONATING HUNTER): Dog! I knew I should have wore
a parachute instead of this water cooler.

The Jet pack fires and Hunter hovers next to the base, he
uses his weapon on it.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Geez! Haven't they ever heard of a door
bell?
TOM (SARCASTIC): Or a doggie door?

Switch to the interior of the base. A still shot of the Cano-
Mutator is displayed and animated debris falls by it.

CROW (SARCASTIC): Talk about your high tech animation.
TOM (SARCASTIC): We have to talk about it since we can't see
it here.

A large heavy pipe falls and blocks the door to the Mutator,
trapping Parvo inside. The ground shakes and Groomer finds
it hard to stand.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to Universal
Studios and the Earthquake ride.
TOM (SARCASTIC): Oooh. I hope we get to see Lorne Greene.

Crow turns and looks at Tom.

CROW (PLEASED): Actually. I hear he got out of acting and is
now writing music.

Tom looks at Crow.

TOM (SURPRISED): Really?
CROW (SARCASTIC): Yeah. He's now decomposing.

Crow laughs and Tom groans, they looks back at the screen.
The pipe rolls away from the door.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): That was pointless.
TOM (SARCASTIC): Glad to see the trend of this film
continues.

Switch to a dial, it is shaken from setting 4 to 11.

CROW (SARCASTIC, ENGLISH ACCENT): Our amplifiers are louder.
Most bands only have a setting of 10 but ours go to 11.

Switch to interior of the Cano-Mutator, Parvo is banging on
the door and screaming.

MIKE (IMPERSONATING PARVO): But you can't be out of cabbage
patch dolls!

Switch back to the exterior of the Mutator, Parvo looks out
the window while Groomer looks inside.

PARVO (EXCITED): Get me out of here. Now!
TOM (SARCASTIC): They're out of toilet paper!

Back inside, Parvo is getting zapped by energy bolts.

CROW (IMPERSONATING THE TERMINATOR): Must go back in time to
kill Sara Conner. She was my agent.

Back outside, Parvo is heard screaming in pain. Groomer
looks around for help.

MIKE (IMPERSONATING GROOMER): Must find Timmy and push him
down a well.

Groomer rushes over to the controls and turns the dial back
to 4.

TOM (SARCASTIC): Stupid man. Don't they know the proper
setting for microwave popcorn?

Groomer looks towards the Mutator.

GROOMER (EXCITED): Hold on General!
CROW (IMPERSONATING PARVO): I need that toilet paper!

The doors of the mutator blast open and a cat steps out, he
sits down.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Yep. I'm a cat. Idolize me. Meow and all
that stuff.

The cat meows. Switch to close up of Groomer being totally
shocked.

MIKE/TOM/CROW (TERRIFIED): AAAHHH!!!

The cats starts licking itself.

CROW (ANNOYED): Did we REALLY have to see that?
TOM (SARCASTIC): Shades of Corman. Film everything.

Groomer picks up the cat but it scratches her in the face.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Hey! Watch the fur Lady!
GROOMER (ANGRY): Stupid cat!
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Ha! Look whose bleeding!

Groomer, in angry, throws the cat and it lands on the pad of
the Time Transporter. It zaps the cat into the past.

CROW (SARCASTIC): Ow! That HAS to hurt!
TOM (SARCASTIC): Not as bad as this movie.
GROOMER (FRANTIC): NO. MY GENERAL. GONE. FOREVER.
CROW (SARCASTIC): I. Am. An. Actress.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): She went to the William Shatner school of
acting.

Groomer falls to the floor and the screen fades to black and
"ROAD ROVERS" appears on the screen.

CROW (SARCASTIC): Okay. I get the Rover part but where does
the Road Part come in?
TOM (PLEASED): It means it's time for us to hit the road.

Mike picks up Tom, turns and leaves. Crow follows. Switch to
tunnel sequence from Mystery Science Theater 3000 Switch to
SOL set. Tom, Mike and Crow walk in as the tunnel door
shuts. They sit at the counter.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Whew. What a stinker. This one make we
yearn for Homeward Bound. Maybe even for Francis the Talking
Mule.
CROW (SARCASTIC): That's nothing. I have this very bad
feeling we're going to have some time traveling in the next
segment.
MIKE (ANNOYED): Don't even kid about such a thing!

Crow looks at Tom.

CROW (INTERESTED): What do you think Tom?

Tom just stares off.

CROW (ANNOYED): Tom!

Tom snaps out of it.

TOM (CONFUSED): Huh? What?

Mike looks at Tom.

MIKE: What's wrong with you Tom?
TOM (SAD): Ohhh. Nothing. Nothing.
CROW (STERN): Out with it Servo!

Tom sighs.

TOM (DEFENSIVE): No. You'll laugh.
MIKE (HURT): Tom. Were your buds. We would never laugh.

Tom looks at Mike.

TOM (CONFUSED): Really?
CROW (REASSURING): Of course. Now tell us what is on your
mind.

Tom pauses.

TOM (UNEASY): Well. I know it sounds strange but I find the
Colleen character very attractive.

Mike and Crow bust out laughing, Tom is ticked.

TOM (ANNOYED): I told you.
CROW (LAUGHING): She's a dog Servo!
MIKE (LAUGHING): Yeah!
TOM (DEFENSIVE): She's more than a dog! She's got beautiful
fur! A quick wit! And can handle herself!

Crow continues to laugh but Mike stops.

MIKE (UNEASY): You know what. I hate to admit it. But he's
right.

Crow continues to laugh.

CROW (LAUGHING): Not you too! She's a bow wow!
MIKE (DEFENSIVE): No. She's sort of like Sister Street
Fighter, Lassie and Cindy Crawford all rolled into one.

Crow stops laughing.

CROW (SURPRISED): Hey. I think you are onto something there.
MIKE (PLEASED): I think I'm in love.
TOM (PLEASED): Me too.
CROW (PLEASED): Me three.
MIKE (PLEASED): We're all in love!
TOM (SARCASTIC): I don't suppose this has anything to do
with Mike not having a girlfriend in ages and me and Crow
NEVER having one.
CROW (SARCASTIC): Nah.

Mike, Tom and Crow start daydreaming. One of the light on
the counter starts flashing, they ignore it. Gypsy comes in
and notices the guys all looking funny, she pays little
attention to it. But she instantly sees the flashing light.

GYPSY (EXCITED): Hey! There is ship out there!

The guys don't react. Gypsy smacks Mike with he mouth.

MIKE (IN PAIN): Ow!
GYPSY (EXCITED): Hey! There is a ship out there!

Everyone returns and notices the flashing light. Mike looks
into the camera.

MIKE (EXCITED): Cambot! Get me rocket number 9! Quick!

Switch to the exterior of SOL. There is a beat up old
spaceship in the shape of a Yugo car which moves toward the
SOL, a combustion engine can be heard. The Yugo stops with
the screech of brakes. Switch back to the set of SOL.
Everyone turns and looks at the hexfield. It opens to reveal
a young man on the screen. Everyone looks at him.

MIKE (PLEASED): Hello. I'm Mike-
MAN (ANGRY): I saw what you were doing!
MIKE (CONFUSED): Huh?
MAN (ANGRY): I saw how you were defiling my woman!
TOM (CONFUSED): What?
MAN (ANGRY): Let's get one thing straight! Colleen is mine
and will always be mine!
CROW (CONFUSED): How did he know we were talking about her?
MAN (ANGRY): She is the center of my universe! I KNOW
EVERYTHING ABOUT HER!!!
MIKE (CONFUSED): Who are you?
MAN (ANGRY): You've probably heard of me. My name is Krankor.
CROW (CONFUSED): Who?
KRANKOR (ANGRY): You know. Creator of Strayers and Felinians.
MIKE/CROW/GYPSY/TOM (CONFUSED): Huh?
KRANKOR (ANGRY): You know. My movies.
TOM (SARCASTIC): Geeez. Movies so bad not even the mads
would show them!
CROW (SARCASTIC): Who directed them. Colman Francis?
KRANKOR (EMBARRASSED): Well. They're not really movies. More
like scripts.
MIKE (UNSURE): So they were like bought by studios but never
made.
KRANKOR (EMBARRASSED): Er, actually, I couldn't get anyone to
buy them.
CROW (SARCASTIC): Oh my. I don't believe it. Someone with
less than a life than us.
KRANKOR (DEFENSIVE): Hey! I got them posted on my Web Site!
TOM (SARCASTIC): You and ten billion other people.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Loooser.
KRANKOR (ANGRY): That does it! You defiled Colleen and mock
me! Prepare to die!

Steve looks away from the screen.

KRANKOR (ANGRY): Mr. Sulu, arm the Photo Phasers. Mr. Chevof,
evasive maneuvers.

The gang on SOL just laughs. Steve looks back at them and
points his finger.

KRANKOR (ANGRY): Prepare to die!

Suddenly, someone off screen yells "Hi Ya!" Colleen leaps
onto the screen and drop kicks Steve to the ground, he moans
with pain. Colleen looks at the gang, they stop laughing and
are surprised. She winks at them and blows Tom a kiss. Then
she races off the Screen. Bear, a Cano-Sapien Malamute walks
onto the screen, he looks down at Steve and shakes his head.

BEAR (ANNOYED): Geez Steve. This is like the fifth time this
week.

Bear bends down, grabs Steve and throws him over his
shoulder.

KRANKOR (IN PAIN): She really DOES love me and only me.

Bear sighs.

BEAR (SARCASTIC): Yeah. Right. Whatever you say.

Bear carries him off screen and the Hexfield closes,
everyone looks at each other.

MIKE (BLUNT): Let this be a lesson to everyone. There is
always someone else out there who makes your life look
grand.
CROW (SARCASTIC): And how.

Mike looks into the Camera.

MIKE (BLUNT): We'll be right back.

Mike presses a button on the console. Switch to the Mystery
Science Theater 3000 logo slowly rotating. After the
commercials. Mike walks back into the theater, he is
carrying Servo. Crow follows. They all sit down, Mike puts
Tom in a chair. Switch to a small quiet village in the dead
of night. The works "Socorro, New Mexico" appear of the
screen.

MIKE (CONFUSED): Soo-cor-row?
CROW (CONFUSED): I think it is pronounced Sock-cor-row.
TOM (SINGING): You say Soo-cor-row, I say Sock-cor-row. Tow-
mato. Too-mato. Let's call the whole thing off.

Switch to the street of the town, a tumble weed rolls by.

MIKE (IMPERSONATING FESTIS): Marshal Dillon! Marshal
Dillion! There's a film crew in town.
CROW (SARCASTIC): I do believe we're on film.

"The Past (8 Dog Years Ago)" appears on the screen.

TOM (CONFUSED): Dog years? What's a dog year?
MIKE (HONEST): Seven are equal to one human year.

Crow looks at Mike.

CROW (BLUNT): That is where you are wrong. It all depends on
the size of the dog.

Mike looks at Crow.

MIKE (CONFUSED): Then how do you determined the age?
CROW (SMUG): It is quite simple. You take the weight of the
dog, divide it by it's age, add in the number of dogs that
have played the part of Lassie and multiply everything on
how many good Benji movies there really are.

Tom looks at Crow.

TOM (CONFUSED): But every answer would come up as zero.
CROW (DEFENSIVE): Well, I didn't say it was a GREAT
system... Or even a mediocre system...
TOM (BLUNT): I think I will stick with Mike's.
CROW (ANNOYED): Fine.

Crow looks up at the screen, so do Mike and Tom.

TOM (THINKING): Hmmm... 8 dog years times 7 human years
would be... Be... Take the 9... carry over the 12...
Multiply by the Rin Tin Tin factor...
MIKE (ANNOYED): It's 56. Okay!
TOM (BLUNT): Says you.
CROW (CONFUSED): 56? That would put it back in world war II.
MIKE (PLEASED): Wow. Maybe we will at last see some action
in this film.
CROW (CONFUSED): Hey. I wonder what that would be in Robot
years?
MIKE (SARCASTIC): That formula is easy. What ever the writer
wants it to be.

Switch to Parvo as a cat materializing in an alley.

TOM (IMPERSONATING KIRK): Oh great! Scottie beamed me back
onto the City of Forever set!

The cat wanders around, meowing.

CROW (SARCASTIC): Meow. Meow. Meow. That is all I ever hear.
What about MY feelings?

The cat hops up onto a fence and into a yard. There, a large
rotwielder is waiting. It chases the cat around the yard.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Thus, thanks to Fluffy's stupidity the
first bouncer was born.

The dog corners the cat and is about to attack, just then an
older human steps out. This is William Shepherd.

SHEPHERD (STERN): No scout.
TOM (CONFUSED): The dog is named after Tonto's horse?
CROW (SARCASTIC): Why not. It is as big as one.
SHEPHERD (DEFENSIVE): This cat hasn't done anything wrong.
TOM (SARCASTIC): It's a cat. Enough said.
SHEPHERD (STERN): It's just cold and hungry, that's all.
CROW (CONFUSED): Oh. In that case make me a peanut butter
and pastrami sandwich and a glass of OJ.

Shepherd picks up the cat.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Don't slit his throat until he feeds me...
Don't slit his throat until he feeds me... Don't slit his
throat until he feeds me... Ah. The heck with it.

Shepherd starts petting the cat.

SHEPHERD (SOOTHING): There there fella. It's all right. How
about a nice bowl of milk?
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Just a bowl? Shez. The last house I
panhandled at I got some tender vitles.

As Shepherd pets the cat it begins to purr.

TOM (IMPERSONATING SHEPHERD): Whoa. Running kind of rough
there. First thing in the morning I'm going to take you down
to the shop and get your idle fixed.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Whoa! Did someone say fixed?
SHEPHERD (PLEASED): See Scout. He just wants to be friends.

Scout growls lowly at the cat.

CROW (LIKE AN INDIAN): Me no like cat. Me think me is about
to get cat throw rug for dog house.

Shepherd turns and heads towards the house.

SHEPHERD (PLEASED): Wait till the kids see you.
MIKE (SCREAMING): NO!!! THERE ARE KIDS IN THIS ONE!!!
TOM (SCREAMING): AAAHHH!!! THEY MUG AND DO CUTE THINGS IN
FRONT OF THE CAMERA!!!
CROW (SCREAMING): THEY TURN OUT TO BE WAY SMARTER THAN THE
ADULTS AND SAVE THE WORLD IN THE END!!!
MIKE, TOM AND CROW (SCREAMING): AAAHHH!!! IT'S THE ET
SYNDROME!!!

Switch back to the exterior of Parvo's base. "The Present"
appears on the screen.

TOM (SARCASTIC): Ladies and gentlemen. It is my extreme
privilege and honor to introduce The Present.
CROW (DITZY): Hee, hee, hee. Hi. Hee, hee, hee.

Back inside the base, Groomer is at the controls. Alarms are
blaring.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Oh. Must be another Elvis sighting.
TOM (SARCASTIC): Come on Mike. That is ridiculous. They are
no where near a gas station.

Groomer barks into the microphone.

GROOMER (COMMANDING): Red Alert! Eliminate the opposition.
Now!
TOM (SARCASTIC): Oh. WB is going after Disney.
CROW (SARCASTIC): Ha. Like that is a challenge. He's been
dead for like 30 years.

Switch to armed Cano-Mutants rushing all over the base.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): When spot has been pushed too far.
CROW (STERN): Now it's YOUR turn to go on the paper.
TOM (SARCASTIC): Rambo IV: Spot's revenge!
CROW (CRYING): They drew first pee!

Switch to the exterior of the base, it is rocked by
explosions.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Would you guys knock it off! The neighbors
are gonna call the cops!

Hunter, Colleen and Exile rush up to the main entrance.

TOM (ANNOYED): Oh no. Not the Dog version of Swat again!
CROW (ANNOYED): I'm afraid it is worse than that. With the
Colleen chick around that Krankor guy can't be too far
away.
KRANKOR (OFF SCREEN): I heard that!

Switch back inside.

MIKE (IMPERSONATING GROOMER): Shhh, everyone keep quiet.
Maybe they will think we're not at home and go away.

The Rovers blast in the front door.

TOM (SARCASTIC): So much for that.
CROW (SARCASTIC): Geez! Talk about your uninvited house
guests.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Kind of reminds me of the Mads.
COLLEEN (SMUG): Hello. Anyone home?
TOM (SARCASTIC): Sure. Now she asks.

A pair of Cano-Mutants run in. A Dalmatian and a Cocker
Spaniel. They rush up to the Rovers. The Rovers use their
weapons and start firing at them, all their shots miss.
Mike, Crow and Tom laugh.

MIKE (LAUGHING): They're like ten feet away.
CROW (LAUGHING): Maybe they should get closer.
COLLEEN (SURPRISED): Hey. I know you?
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Yes. My name is Mike Nelson. And this are
my two robot friends. Tom Servo And Crow T Robot.
COLLEEN (SARCASTIC): Didn't we meet on a train one time?
You're Fluffy.
MIKE (ANNOYED): No. My name is Mike!
TOM (SARCASTIC): So much for dogs and their acute hearing.

The Cano-Mutants whimper, drop their weapons and run away.

CROW (SARCASTIC): Got to go. The New Adventures of Lassie
are on.

Exterior of a massive laboratory complex. A sign reads
"Shepherd Research Laboratory".

MIKE (SARCASTIC): I temped there once. What a bear that was.
No breaks. They really worked you like a dog.

"The Past" appears on the screen.

TOM (ANNOYED): Oh. Yeah. I forgot this is all one big long
bad time travel thing.
CROW (ANNOYED): I wish you wouldn't have reminded me.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Hey. You can never forget the past.

Switch to the inside of the lab. Shepherd is busy working at
a microscope. On his lap is Parvo as a cat and Scout is
resting at his feet.

TOM (IMPERSONATING SHEPHERD): Hmmm. What should I invent
today? A cure for cancer... Nah. How about a cure for the
common cold... Nah... I know! I'll invent a woozle who's
name is peanut.

Jeffrey Otitus steps into the room.

JEFFREY (SURPRISED): You're still at it?
CROW (IMPERSONATING SHEPHERD): No. I really left hours ago.
Of course I'm still at it!

Jeffrey walks towards Shepherd.

JEFFREY (SURPRISED): I thought you'd be home by now.
MIKE (IMPERSONATING SHEPHERD): And I thought you'd stop
being a moron by now. But I guess we were both wrong.

Jeffrey stops at next to Shepherd.

JEFFREY (CONFUSED): What is with you and that cat Shepherd?
You have been bringing that stray into work for the past
three weeks.

TOM (IMPERSONATING SHEPHERD): Oh. Well, actually. We were
married three weeks ago but don't tell her that.

Shepherd looks up from the microscope and looks at Jeffrey,

SHEPHERD (PLEASED): You mean boots?
CROW (SARCASTIC): Hey. I'm talking about the cat not foot
ware.
TOM (IMPERSONATING SHEPHERD): No! The cat's name is boots.
Geez!
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Don't you get it? Puss and boots!
SHEPHERD (SARCASTIC): What can I say? He adopted me.
CROW (SARCASTIC): You really have lived a lonely life.
Haven't you?
TOM (SARCASTIC): Of course he has, he's in this movies.
Isn't he!

Scout growls at Boots.

CROW (TALKING LIKE AN INDIAN): Just remember. Me still
looking for kitty skin rug.

Shepherd sneezes.

TOM (IMPERSONATING SHEPHERD): Whoa! I just sneezed up a hair
ball!
SHEPHERD (SARCASTIC): Too bad I'm allergic to cats.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Ha! You think it's been a picnic for me? I
mean, this guy has streaks in his underwear longer than a
drag strip!

Shepherd puts the cat on the desk and walks over to a
strange machine which looks like a giant cannon shell with a
window.

SHEPHERD (PLEASED): Anyway. I'm almost done perfecting the
Transdogmafier.
TOM (IMPERSONATING JEFFREY): You're making this all up.
Aren't you?

Crow laughs.

CROW (LAUGHING): It looks like the helmet from the Rocketeer
made for the Jolly Green Giant.
TOM (CONFUSED): Why exactly is he the Jolly Green Giant?
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Hey. He's green and wears leafs for
clothes. What more could you want out of life?

Crow settles down.

JEFFREY (PLEASED): Good. The machine is going to make us
rich.
TOM (CONFUSED): Rich? But I thought his name was Jeffrey?
SHEPHERD (ANNOYED): We've been through this before Jeffrey.
MIKE (IMPERSONATING SHEPHERD): After the machine starts
making us money I dump you and Kato Kalin becomes my new
house boy.
SHEPHERD (ANNOYED): I'm not interested in profit.
CROW (SARCASTIC): Oooh. Quark is not going to like this.
SHEPHERD (ANNOYED): The Transdogmafier is meant only for the
good of the world.
TOM (SARCASTIC): Bah! What has the world ever done for us!
JEFFREY (SMUGLY): Right... Right... So when do we start
testing?
MIKE (SARCASTIC): There is going to be a test? Man! I knew I
should have studied!
SHEPHERD (PLEASED): Soon.
CROW (SARCASTIC): But first you'll need to take your Iowa
basics, then your SATs, then your SETs, then your PDQs, then
your ASAPs and finally your SOBs.

Shepherd sits down at a computer.

SHEPHERD (PLEASED): I've been searching the world for the
potential candidates.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): You mean like the Manchurian Candidate?
SHEPHERD (PLEASED): And several look promising indeed.
TOM (IMPERSONATING SHEPHERD): I first considered Quail but I
learned he can't spell potato. Then I looked at Kennedy but
it hurt my eyes too much. So I thought of trying Regan but I
was afraid that they'd lock me away. So I ended with
Hillary.

A picture of the world appears on the screen.

CROW (SINGING): We are the world.

A picture of Hunter in dog form flashes on the screen.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Jack Lemon.

A picture of Exile in dog form appears on the screen.

TOM (SARCASTIC): Dustan Hoffman.

A picture of Shag in dog form appears on the screen.

CROW (SARCASTIC): Tom Hanks.

A picture of Colleen in dog form appears on the screen.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Patrick Swazi.

A picture of Blitz in dog form appears on the screen.

TOM (SARCASTIC): Anyone from Monty Python.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): People who have played woman!
JEFFREY (PLEASED): Hmmm. Very promising indeed.
CROW (IMPERSONATING SHEPHERD): Then again I thought you were
promising and look how you turned out.
JEFFREY (SMUG): Just remember it takes more than dogs to
keep this project running. It takes funding.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): From viewers like you.
JEFFREY (SMUG): And lots of it.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Yeah. You know how much a Snufolupigus
eats a day?

Jeffrey turns and starts walking towards the door, Shepherd
follows.

SHEPHERD (SARCASTIC): And I appreciated all the work you've
done in getting those government grants.
CROW (IMPERSONATING JEFFREY): You know how hard it was to
convince them we were researching the legitimacy of Spam as
the OTHER white meat?
JEFFREY (SMUG): I do what I can.
TOM (SARCASTIC): Well next time you come in you think you
can wipe you feet?
JEFFREY (SMUG): See you later professor.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): The next time you feel like dropping by...
Please don't!

Jeffrey leaves the room.

SHEPHERD (CONCERNED): Doctor Otitus needs to relax Boots.
CROW (SARCASTIC): How can he when he only has one employee
and he brings his pets to work with him?

Shepherd picks up Boots and starts petting him.

SHEPHERD (CONCERNED): Maybe he should get a pet.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Yeah. Like a boa constrictor or a tiger.

Scout growls at Boots and he hisses at Scout.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): So you want a piece of me dog breath? Come
on! Let's have at it! I'll cut ya!

Switch to Jeffrey's office. He has a headset on and is
sitting at his desk. He talks into the mic.

CROW (TALKING LIKE AN OPERATOR): Transdogmafier Support
Center. How may I ignore you?
JEFFREY (SMUG): I'm telling you it's a gold mine.
TOM (SARCASTIC): What? Beanie Babies made of Spam?
CROW (TALKING LIKE AN OPERATOR): You're Transdogmafier
exploded destroying your house and spreading radioactive
material all over the neighborhood? Did you try rebooting?
JEFFREY (SMUG): That's right. This Transdogmafier can give
dogs awesome abilities.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Like they can play catch with themselves.
CROW (TALKING LIKE AN OPERATOR): No. That's ALT, CTRL and
DEL! Ah. I'll have to check the manual on that...
JEFFREY (SMUG): Sure. I can get the plans to you... For a
price.
TOM (IMPERSONATING BOB BARKER): And thanks for playing the
Price is Right.
CROW (TALKING LIKE AN OPERATOR): Let me put you on hold for
the next hour or so while I go to lunch...
JEFFREY (SMUG): Professor Shepherd? He won't know a thing
about it.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Give him a milk bone and he's in his own
little world. Just don't mention... The war.
CROW (TALKING LIKE AN OPERATOR): Ha! Ron you should hear the
moron on line two!
JEFFREY (SARCASTIC): Proof? Okay I'll get you proof.
TOM (SARCASTIC): Preferably 200 proof. This film isn't even
half way over.
CROW (TALKING LIKE AN OPERATOR): Okay. I'm back. According
to the manual it is suppose to do that.

Jeffrey throws the headset down on the desk.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Whoa. Jeffrey. Easy there buddy. It is
just a movie.
CROW (SARCASTIC): Dump old stupid head customer can't tell a
colon from a semi-colon!
JEFFREY (ANNOYED): No one trusts anyone anymore.
TOM (SARCASTIC): No. No one just doesn't trust you Jeffrey.

Jeffrey storms out of the office.

CROW (TALKING AS IF OVER THE PHONE): Er... Hello... Mr.
Customer Support agent... Are you still there?

Switch to Shepherd's back yard. It is night. Jeffrey is
carrying a doggie carrier cage.

JEFFREY (UNEASY): Here we go.
MIKE (TALKING LIKE JACKIE GLEASON): And away we go.

Jeffrey climbs over the back wall. He looks around the yard
using a flashlight.

TOM (SARCASTIC): Look. It's the NBC Mystery Movie!

Jeffrey approaches Scout's dog house.

CROW (IMPERSONATING JEFFREY): I heard he's got a really neat
cat skin rug in there. I think I'll sneak a peak.

Jeffrey steps on Boot's tail, the cat hisses.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Watch the tail jerk!

Jeffrey watches Boots run off, he sighs with relief.

TOM (IMPERSONATING JEFFREY): Whew. He didn't stick around to
see if I was insured.

Jeffrey gets on his knees and peaks inside the doghouse, it
is empty.

CROW (SARCASTIC): Aaah! I've been robbed!
JEFFREY (ANNOYED): Oh no. Where's that mutt?
MIKE (SARCASTIC): He's better not be having one of his
secret rendezvous with Lassie again!

Scout sneaks behind Jeffrey and bits him in the butt.
Jeffrey screams and wrestles with the dog.

CROW (SARCASTIC): Ooo. Blitz will be so jealous.

Jeffrey tries to get Scout into the tiny doggie toter. Mike,
Crow and Tom laugh.

TOM (LAUGHING): Yeah. Like he really is going to fit into
there.
MIKE (LAUGHING): Well. Maybe if he was a Nerf Dog.

Scout begins to chase Jeffrey. Barking and snarling.

JEFFREY (EXCITED): This isn't worth it!
CROW (SARCASTIC): Either is trying to eat crab legs but we
still do.

Jeffrey runs by Boots and grabs him.

JEFFREY (SMUG): Cat. Dog. What is the difference?
TOM (SARCASTIC): Whoa! Someone needs an anatomy lesson.
CROW (SARCASTIC): Preferably given by Hannibal the Cannibal.

Jeffrey put Boots into the toter.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Hey! This thing is made for dogs! This is
so humiliating!

Jeffrey jumps over the wall and Scout barks at him.

TOM (SARCASTIC): Chicken! Come back here and fight like a
dog!
SHEPHERD (FROM HOUSE): Scout! Boots! Quiet down! I'm trying
to sleep!
CROW (SARCASTIC): Sleep! Ha! Let's see you try to sleep in a
dog house! Fascist human!

Switch back to Shepherd's lab, later. Jeffrey carries Boots
who is still in the doggie toter. The cat is making a fuss.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): You can't do this! I have my rights!
Where's my lawyer!

Jeffrey looks inside the cage.

JEFFREY (ANNOYED): Pipe down.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): But I have to use the litter box.
JEFFREY (SMUG): This won't take long.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Ha! Do your worst! Just remember I'll have
eight more lives!

Jeffrey tosses Boots into the Transdogmafier and closes the
door.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Lousy screw!

Jeffrey goes over to the controls and starts pushing buttons
and the Transdogmafier comes to life.

TOM (IMPERSONATING JEFFREY): Hmmm. I wonder how you kick in
the slice and dice mode?

Inside the Transdogmafier, bolts of energy strike Boots and
he meows in pain.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Okay. So I'll have seven lives left.

Boots is transformed into a humanoid.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Mom said there would be days like this...
But I never believed her!

The Door on the Transdogmafier blows open. Parvo steps out.

CROW (SARCASTIC): Hey! Where did he get clothes?
PARVO (SARCASTIC): Meow.
TOM (SARCASTIC): Translation: You're my new scratching post
now.

Jeffrey looks at Parvo in horror.

CROW (IMPERSONATING JEFFREY): Oh no! I'll have to build a
litter box the size of a Buick for him!
JEFFREY (HORRIFIED): What did I do?
TOM (SARCASTIC): I hope it wasn't number two.

Parvo growls at Jeffrey.

PARVO (SARCASTIC): It's a brand new world.
CROW (SARCASTIC): Of George Bush's new world order?

Tom looks at Crow.

TOM (SARCASTIC): Didn't they open for Smashing Pumpkins?

Jeffrey faints.

CROW (IMPERSONATING PARVO): Ooops. Tuna breath. Sorry.

The screen fades to black and "ROAD ROVERS" appears on the
screen.

MIKE (PLEASED): Thank goodness.
Mike picks up Tom, turns and leaves. Crow follows. Switch to
the Mystery Science Theater 3000 logo slowly rotating. After
the commercials. Switch to the SOL set, Crow is alone
daydreaming. Tom stops by and notices this.

TOM (CONFUSED): What's wrong Crow?

Crow snaps out of it and looks at Tom.

CROW (DISTANT): Nothing. I was just thinking of one of the
Road Rovers.

Crow looks off into space again.

TOM (SMUG): Aaah. You're thinking about Colleen.

Tom nudges Crow.

TOM (SARCASTIC): Wink. Wink. Nudge. Nudge. Say no more.

Crow snaps out of it again and looks at Tom.

CROW (ANNOYED): Colleen? PLEASE! She's a dog.
TOM (UNEASY): Er, Crow. They all are.
CROW (ANNOYED): No. I was thinking of Blitz.
TOM (SHOCKED): Blitz? You're in love with Blitz.
CROW (UPSET): No! Not love. I'm not worthy of that. Just
admiration. Adoration. All out demented pyhcoisium.

TOM (UNDERSTANDING): Oooh. Fatal attraction style.
CROW (HONEST): Exactly.
TOM (CONFUSED): But why Blitz? He's nothing more than an
Arnold want to be. You know. I'll be back.
CROW (DEFENSIVE): True. To the layman that is what it
appears to be. But after taking a closer look you find.
TOM (SARCASTIC): Marie Shirver's husband.
CROW (ANNOYED): No! The Rover with the best super power.
TOM (CONFUSED): But all he's got is super sharp claws and
super sharp teeth.
CROW (BLUNT): The better to bite you with my dear.

Tom nods.

TOM (UNDERSTANDING): Ah. Now I see.
CROW (PLEASED): Precisely. When I say bite me it is only a
phrase. But when Blitz says it he can REALLY do it.

Tom nods again.

TOM (UNDERSTANDING): That will happen when you don't have
any teeth.
CROW (HOPEFUL): You think Mike could make me some?

Tom busts out laughing.

TOM (LAUGHING): You got to be kidding? Remember what
happened when he tried to make that robot?
CROW (DISAPPOINTED): True. True.

Tom stops laughing.

CROW (SAD): What I wouldn't give to have the jaws of Richard
Keil or the over bit of Bugs Bunny.

Crow sighs.

TOM (BLUNT): I guess all you can do is dream.
CROW (ANNOYED): Oh! Bite me!

Lights begin to flash and an alarm is sounding. Mike runs
into the room.

MIKE (EXCITED): Oh no! We've got movie sign!!!

Everyone starts running around. The tunnel door opens and
everyone runs off camera. Switch to tunnel sequence from
Mystery Science Theater 3000 Switch to the theater where
Mike is walking in carrying Tom, Crow follows him. They all
sit down and Mike puts Tom in a chair. The scene opens on a
farm. "Still The Past" appears on the screen.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Didn't we come in at this part?

Switch to inside the barn. Jeffrey is working on building a
Transdogmafier as Parvo paces back and forth.

JEFFREY (WILD): See. I built the Transdogmafier from memory.
TOM (SARCASTIC): And this comes from the same person who
can't remember the name of his agent.
CROW (SARCASTIC): If I was him, I'd forget it too.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): If I was his agent I would forget HIS
name.
JEFFREY (WILD): You'll have an army of Cano-Mutants.
TOM (TALKING LIKE ANNOUNCER): Cano-Mutant accessories sold
separately.

Parvo walks up to Jeffrey.

PARVO (UNSURE): Are you sure this will work?
CROW (IMPERSONATING JEFFREY): As sure as I am Bush will win
a second term.
JEFFREY (WILD): Yes Boots.
MIKE (IMPERSONATING PARVO): That is MR. BOOTS to you!

Parvo gets in Jeffrey's face.

PARVO (ANGRY): I told you I hate that name! Come up with
something better!
TOM (SARCASTIC): What about shoes?
MIKE (SARCASTIC)L Goulashes?
CROW (SARCASTIC): Or just plain dickweed?
JEFFREY (WILD): Yes sir. What ever you say.
TOM (SARCASTIC): Actually butt kisser comes to mind.

Parvo backs off.

PARVO (ANNOYED): Now to try it out.
CROW (SARCASTIC): Try it. You'll like it! Trust me.
PARVO (THINKING): But first. We'll need a volunteer.
MIKE (EXCITED): Please use Benji!
TOM (EXCITED): No! Lassie!
CROW (EXCITED): No! The entire cast from Homeward Bound!
MIKE (EXCITED): No! Use them all! Please!
PARVO (PLEASED): And I know just the dog.
TOM (EXCITED): Hopefully it will be one of the dogs from
Oliver and Company.

Switch to the front of Shepherd's house. A truck is parked
out front as Jeffrey is carrying a cage which has Scout
locked in it.

PARVO (VOICE OVER): Shepherd's pet.
CROW (CONFUSED): Is that anything like teacher's pet?

Switch to interior of the house. Shepherd is seated at his
desk and looking into a microscope.

MIKE (IMPERSONATING SHEPHERD): Oooh. La-la! These mail order
slides from France are great!

Scout can be heard whimpering outside. Shepherd looks up.

SHEPHERD (CONFUSED): Scout?
TOM (TALKING LIKE AN INDIAN): Ug. Yes kingosobi.

Back outside, Jeffrey throws the cage into the back of the
truck. Shepherd steps out of the house.

SHEPHERD (CONFUSED): Jeffrey. What are you doing?
CROW (SARCASTIC): Well. It certainly can't be kidnapping
your dog.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): I'm glad this guy is a professor and not a
doctor otherwise he'd say stuff like. Hmmm. My patient just
stop breathing. It must be just that he doesn't was to pay
his bill.

Jeffrey looks at Shepherd.

JEFFREY (WILD): Whatever Boots tells me to do.
TOM (SINGING): These boots were made for walking!
SHEPHERD (EXCITED): Boots? Boots is back?
CROW (TALKING LIKE AN INDIAN): Ug. I'm being kidnapped and
all kingosobi is worried about is foot ware fashions.
PARVO (SARCASTIC): MeOOOW.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): What did he do. Sit on a tack?
PARVO (SARCASTIC): Yep. The cat came back.
TOM (SARCASTIC): Oooh. I guess I shouldn't tell him about
Mittens.

Crow looks at Tom.

CROW (CONFUSED): You ever notice how people name their cats
after apparel?

Tom looks at Crow.

TOM (BLUNT): No.
CROW (HONEST): Me either.

Tom and Crow look back at the screen.

PARVO (SARCASTIC): New and Improved.
MIKE (CONFUSED): What was wrong with the old version?
TOM (SARCASTIC): Not annoying enough.
PARVO (SARCASTIC): But now I'm a man.
CROW (SARCASTIC): Oh, you wish!
SHEPHERD (EXCITED): Nooo!
TOM (SINGING): No. No. No, no, no, no.

Parvo climbs into the truck.

PARVO (SMUG): Yes.
CROW (SARCASTIC): Just say yes to Michigan.
MIKE (CONFUSED): Why?

The truck pulls away. In the back, Scout and his cage is
bounced around. The dog whimpers.

TOM (TALKING LIKE AN INDIAN): Ug. Just my luck. I get
kidnapped the same week Lassie is at Betty Ford clinic.

Later, outside the barn. The truck is parked.

JEFFREY (VOICE OVER): The dog is ready for mutation Boot,
um, sir.
CROW (IMPERSONATING PARVO): I'll be the judge of that pencil
neck!

Inside, Parvo is sitting at the control panel. He starts to
work the controls. The new Transdogmafier comes to life.

MIKE (CONFUSED): So I guess being a cat he knows both how to
drive a truck and operated complex scientific equipment.
TOM (SARCASTIC): Goes without saying.

Inside the Transdogmafier, bolts of energy flash around
Scout who is still in his cage.

CROW (TALKING LIKE INDIAN): Ug. Is this what pail face call
light show?

The door of the Transdogmafier blows open.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): This Transdogmafier technology has all the
markings of Otis' still technology.

Back outside.

PARVO (VOICE OVER): Cano-Mutant! Huh?
TOM (SARCASTIC): Sticks and stones.

Back inside, Scout is now chained to a wall. He snarls and
snaps at Parvo and Jeffrey who are just out of reach.

PARVO (ANNOYED): You failed Otitus.
CROW (SARCASTIC): I told him he should have studied. But
nooo.
PARVO (ANNOYED): The dog wasn't Transdogmafied.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Of course not. He didn't study either.
PARVO (ANNOYED): He's just nuts.
TOM (SARCASTIC): So in other words he wrote the script.
PARVO (ANGRY): Muzzle him!
CROW (SARCASTIC): Nuzzle him? What does he think he is? His
mother!

The screen goes blank. Everyone starts cheering.

MIKE (EXCITED): Yeah! It's over!

Everyone gets up. The screen changes to the exterior of
Parvo's base. Everyone notices this. They moan.

MIKE (ANNOYED): I guess we were asking for too much!

Everyone sits down. "The Present" appears on the screen.

TOM (ANNOYED): Wait. Isn't this the part we came in?
HUNTER (VOICE OVER): Muzzle! You're needed!
CROW (SARCASTIC): Too bad this film isn't.

Inside. Muzzle, strapped to his cart, comes hopping down the
hall.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Oh gee. What are the odds that Muzzle and
Scout are the same dog?

Muzzle hops up to Hunter, Shag and Colleen who are facing
two Cano-Mutants.

HUNTER (PLEASED): Hi.
TOM/MIKE/CROW (ANNOYED): BAH!!!
COLLEEN (PLEADING): Huntie. Can I say it this time?
TOM (CONFUSED): What? Two all beef paddies, special sauce,
lettuce cheese all on a sesame seed bun.

Hunter and Colleen start unfastening Muzzle's restraints.
Shag begins to whimper.

HUNTER (STERN): Okay. But say it like you mean it.
CROW (CONFUSED): What? Have it my way?
COLLEEN (STERN): Let's Muzzle them!
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Oh. If only we could do that to this
movie.

Colleen rips off Muzzle's muzzle and frees him. He leaps
forward and the mutants cry in terror. The Rovers look on in
disgust.

HUNTER (DISGUSTED): Man oh man there goes our G rating.
TOM (SARCASTIC): Hey. You lost your GOOD rating after the
first reel here.
COLLEEN (DISGUSTED): Blimie?
CROW (CONFUSED): Did she just call me a limie?
EXILE (DISGUSTED): Mother Russia!
MIKE (CONFUSED): Hey! Where did Exile come from?
TOM (SARCASTIC): Russia.

Muzzle scares the Mutants away.

EXILE (SARCASTIC): Score is always same. Bad guys zero and
Muzzle takes all.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): The only thing I want Muzzle to take is a
bath! Pew!

Switch to the Rovers busting into Parvo's lab. They are just
in time to see Groomer send herself back into the past.

COLLEEN (EXCITED): Look! It's the Groomer!
TOM (SARCASTIC): And THE Mailman. And THE Fireman. And THE
Policeman.
COLLEEN (CONFUSED): Where is she off to?
CROW (SARCASTIC): I don't know and I don't care as long as
she takes us with her!

Switch to the exterior of the barn.

MIKE (FRUSTRATED): Let me guess. The past.

"The Past" flashes up on the screen.

TOM (ANNOYED): Yep.
CROW (IMPRESSED): Nice call Boots, er, um, Mike.
JEFFREY (VOICE OVER): But Boots. I can build another
machine.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Yeah. But will it be PoPeel's Pocket
Fisherman?

In the barn, Parvo is getting in Jeffrey's face.

PARVO (ANNOYED): You're a complete failure.
TOM (SARCASTIC): Well, at least he's good at doing
something.
PARVO (ANNOYED): It is time to get new help.
CROW (SARCASTIC): It's time for Timer.

Groomer materializes in the Barn, Jeffrey and Parvo looks at
her surprised.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Just as I was afraid of. This barn in
infested with Trekers.
GROOMER (BLUNT): Reporting for duty sir.
TOM (SARCASTIC): I don't remember ordering a secretary?

Parvo points at Groomer.

PARVO (CONFUSED): Who are you?
CROW (SARCASTIC): Heeello! She's the chick from the first
act!
GROOMER (BLUNT): They call me The Groomer.
MIKE (IMPERSONATING PARVO): Yeah. Yeah. And I'm Elvis!
GROOMER (PLEASED): I'm here to serve you.
TOM (SARCASTIC): Well. I'd like to start off with some
appetizers. What do you recommend?

Groomer takes off her helmet and puts it on Parvo's head.

GROOMER (PLEASED): General Parvo.
TOM (CONFUSED): General Parvo? Isn't that served with
horseradish sauce?
PARVO (PLEASED): General Parvo... I like the sound of that.
CROW (ANNOYED): I sure hope so since it's your name!
GROOMER (PLEASED): Some how I knew you would.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Actually. The only thing that would sound
good to me right now would be the sound of this film being
burnt up!

Parvo whispers to Groomer.

PARVO (PLEASED): Here is your first assignment... Groomer.
TOM (SARCASTIC): A shave and a haircut?
CROW (SARCASTIC): Two bits.

Parvo points at Jeffrey.

PARVO (STERN): Dispense with him!
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Where? At Dispensa's Kidding Kingdom?
GROOMER (STERN): Aye sir.
TOM (TALKING LIKE TARZAN): No. Me Tom. You Groomer. This
really bad movie.

Jeffrey takes off running but Groomer tackles him.

CROW (SARCASTIC): Ah! That is a fifteen yard penalty.
Roughing the geek.

Groomer pulls out and electric shaver.

GROOMER (SMUG): What you need is a little off the top...
MIKE (IMPERSONATING JEFFREY): But I already go to Hair Club
for Geeks!
GROOMER (SMUG): And the bottom...
TOM (CONCERNED): Please don't tell us were going to see
that!
CROW (EXCITED): Ooo! Please say were are!

Groomer begins to shave Jeffrey's head.

MIKE (CONFUSED): Who is this? Cy Sperlin's wife?
GROOMER (SMUG): And all round the edges.
TOM (IMPERSONATING JEFFREY): Could I get a second opinion on
this?

Jeffrey screams, breaks free and runs out of the barn.

CROW (SARCASTIC): Ladies and gentlemen! Jeffrey Otitus!
Thank you. Thank you.

Groomer looks at Parvo.

GROOMER (CONCERNED): Should I follow him sir?
MIKE (SARCASTIC): If you do. Please remain at least two car
lengths back.
PARVO (SMUG): I don't think he'll be back.
TOM (SARCASTIC): Aaah. He got a GOOD job.
PARVO (PLEASED): I like your style Groomer.
CROW (SARCASTIC): Old Style maybe.
GROOMER (SLY): And I like yours General.
MIKE (CONFUSED): Yes. He's got general style.

Groomer looks at Scout who is growling at her.

GROOMER (CONFUSED): But I'm not to sure about him.
TOM (TALKING LIKE INDIAN): Ug. You would not know style if
it came up to you and bit you. Unchain me and I'll
demonstrate.

Switch back to Shepherd's laboratory, in his office. He is
on the phone.

PARVO (OVER PHONE): Listen to this Shepherd.
TOM (SINGING): Strangers in the night... Exchanging
glances...

Switch back to the barn. Parvo is holding up a phone to
Scout as he barks into it, Groomer watches.

CROW (TALKING LIKE INDIAN): Ug. Like then I chased car...
Then chase mailman... Then chase other car... Like it best
day of life.
SHEPHERD (OVER PHONE): It'll be okay Scout.
MIKE (TALKING LIKE A PHONE OPERATOR): If you'd like to
continue this ransom call please deposit another fifty
cents.
SHEPHERD (OVER PHONE): It'll be okay.
TOM (TALKING LIKE INDIAN): Ug. That easy for you to say. He
not hostage.

Parvo puts the phone to his ear.

PARVO (SMUG): Satisfied Shepherd?
CROW (IMPERSONATING PARVO): Dang! He hung up!

Switch back to Shepherd in his office.

SHEPHERD (UPSET): I just want Scout back.
MIKE (IMPERSONATING SHEPHERD): And the Beatles to get back
together... And for the Berlin Wall to go back up... And the
return of hippies... And...

Switch back to the barn.

PARVO (SMUG): That dog means a lot to you. Doesn't he?
TOM (IMPERSONATION SHEPHERD): Well someone has to be my
house boy with Jeffrey gone.

Switch back to Shepherd's office.

SHEPHERD (EXCITED): He's... He's... He's family.
CROW (SARCASTIC): Yes! It's a Family Affair staring Brian
Keith and that guy who plays Mr. French.

Switch back to the barn.

PARVO (SMUG): You can have him back as soon as you hand over
the final blueprints to the Transdogmafier.
MIKE (IMPERSONATING SHEPHERD OVER THE PHONE): What if I just
gave you a get out of jail free card?
PARVO (SMUG): Think it over professor.
TOM (SARCASTIC): Order now while supplies last!
PARVO (SMUG): But don't take too long.
CROW (SARCASTIC): Not sold in stores!
PARVO (SMUG): I might change my mind.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): The pressure tactics of telemarketing.

Parvo hangs up the phone.

PARVO (EXCITED): I love being human!
MIKE (SARCASTIC): All of a sudden I have this urge to be a
cat.

Just then, the Road Rovers materialize in the Barn. Groomer
and Parvo look at them.

CROW (IMPERSONATING PARVO): Ooo. The cast of Deep Space
Nine.
TOM (IMPERSONATING GROOMER): Which one is Kirk?
PARVO (SURPRISED): What are those?
CROW (SMUG): Dogs with attitudes.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): That or the cast from Cats.
GROOMER (FRUSTRATED): Aaah. Road Rovers, General. I'll
explain later.
TOM (IMPERSONATING PARVO): You always say that but you never
do!
HUNTER (STERN): You'd better come back with us Parvo!
CROW (SARCASTIC): Sit Parvo. Beg. Now roll over.
HUNTER (STERN): You don't belong here!
MIKE (IMPERSONATING JOHN LUVITS): I just wanted to be loved
was that so wrong?

Parvo picks up a high tech laser rifle. Mike, Crow and Tom
start laughing.

TOM (LAUGHING): Where did he get that?
CROW (LAUGHING): He came in as a cat!
MIKE (LAUGHING): Come on guys. Haven't you ever seen a Road
Runner cartoon? He ordered it from the Acme catalog.

Mike, Crow and Tom settle down. Parvo points his weapon at
the Rovers.

PARVO (SMUG): I don't take orders from dogs.
TOM (SARCASTIC): What about Salmon?
CROW (SARCASTIC): Or Pigeons.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Or badgers?
TOM (SPEAKING WITH A MEXICAN ACCENT): Badgers? We don't need
no stinking badgers.

Parvo fires. The blast fires over the heads of the Rovers
and hits the wall behind them. The wall collapses on the
Rovers. Crow laughs.

CROW (LAUGHING): Can't anybody hit anything when they are
closer than ten feet?

Crow settles down. Scout tugs on his chain and it breaks.
Mike, Crow and Tom bust out laughing.

MIKE (LAUGHING): Must be one of those disposable chains.
Good for only one use.

Everyone settles down again. Scout runs out of the Barn.

TOM (TALKING LIKE AN INDIAN): Ug. Me sick of this crap. Me
go find kingosobi.

Parvo and Groomer watch in horror as Scout runs away.

PARVO (ANNOYED): Aaah! We can't lose that mutt!
CROW (SARCASTIC): Actually, they prefer the term pure breed
challenged.
PARVO (ANNOYED): He is the only bargaining chip we have!
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Bargain Town! Bargain Town! Bargain Town!
Has changed its name to Toys R Us! Toys R Us! Toys R Us!

Parvo and Groomer race out of the Barn.

CROW (SARCASTIC): To the batmobile!

Hunter, Exile, Colleen and Shag pop their heads out from the
debris on the ground. They all give mean looks.

TOM (IMPERSONATING HUNTER): It is a good thing they isn't an
anti-cruelty society for humans.

Parvo and Groomer jump into a truck.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Turbines to speed!
PARVO (COMMANDING): Follow that Rotweilder!
TOM/MIKE/CROW (SINGING): Stop that pigeon! Stop that pigeon!

The tuck speeds away. Back in the barn the Rover crawl
underneath the rubble all giving mean looks.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Oh no! Mom WAS right! My face did get
stuck like this!

The Rovers jump into a jeep.

TOM (SARCASTIC): Promotional consideration by Chrysler.
HUNTER (STERN): Let's hit the road Rovers!
CROW (SARCASTIC): Actually Hunter, roads were made to be
DRIVEN on.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): I swear. He would prefer to destroy
something than make it.
TOM (SARCASTIC): Well why can't they just destroy this
movie?
CROW (SARCASTIC): Because it is made out of concentrated
evil.

As the Jeep speeds forward, the truck continues to chase
Scout.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): So. I take it this is a chase scene?
TOM (SARCASTIC): Nah. Everyone is just trying desperately to
drive off of this movie.
CROW (ANNOYED): Dang! I wish I had a car!

As the chase continues, Parvo looks behind him.

MIKE (IMPERSONATING PARVO): Oh geez Groomer! You just missed
the turn off for Pizza in a Cp!

Back with the Jeep, Shag is busy typing away on a laptop
that is only a keyboard.

TOM (SARCASTIC): Must be one of those bargain basement
deals.
CROW (IMPERSONATING MARTY MCFLY): Dear Doc Brown. I'm
writing to you from the past. How are you? I am fine. The
weather has been really nice lately. Hey, how about them
Cubs? Well, got to run. Say hi to Mrs. Brown for me. Love
Marty. PS When they ask you to star in Deadly Games say no!

Shag prints out the letter, puts it in an envelope and
throws it into a mailbox as the Jeep passes it.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Oh yeah. They're like 50 years in the
past. With how fast the mail service is their great grand
kids in the future might see it.

Hunter looks back at Shag.

TOM (IMPERSONATING COLLEEN): Eek! Look out Hunter!

Crow makes a sound of a car crash.

HUNTER (UNEASY): This may not be the time to answer fan
mail.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Yeah! Like these guys are gonna have fans!

Mike, Crow and Tom chuckle.

HUNTER (UNEASY): Uh. It's the past.
TOM (ANNOYED): No Hunter. You're the one who is living in
the past.

Shag mumbles something.

TOM (SARCASTIC): Sounds like Shag studied under Scoobie Doo.
MIKE (CONFUSED): What did he say?
CROW (SARCASTIC): Bite me!

The picture gets all fuzzy.

TOM (UPSET): Aaah! I've go glaucoma!

The screen switches to the exterior of Road Rover Mission
Control.

TOM (EMBARRASSED): Er, never mind.

"The Present" appears on the screen.

MIKE (ANNOYED): Here we go again.
MASTER (VOICE OVER): No. I'm losing contact with the Rovers.
TOM (TALKING LIKE AN OPERATOR): I'm sorry. But all lines to
the past are busy. Please try again later.

Switch to a room similar to Parvo's Time Transporter room.
The Master is busy working the controls.

CROW (IMPERSONATING THE MASTER): Dang. I knew I shouldn't
have slept through all those Time Transporter classes in
college.
MASTER (UPSET): I have to bring them back to the present.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Are you crazy! Turn off the machine and
report them missing to the insurance company.
MASTER (UNSURE): If I still can.
TOM (SARCASTIC): Promises. Promises.

Switch back to Scout being chased by the truck.

CROW (CONFUSED): Hey! There was no title on the screen? Is
this the past of the present? How are we suppose to know?

"The Past (Again)" appears on the screen.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): I think the graphics guy was asleep again.
TOM (SARCASTIC): After watching this movie. Do you blame
him?

The Jeep chases the truck. Parvo pulls out his weapon again
and points it behind him.

CROW (SARCASTIC): Yeah. Right. He couldn't hit them at ten
feet. Now he thinks he can while in a speeding truck on a
dirt road.

Parvo starts firing.

MIKE (IMPERSONATING PARVO): I said no autographs!

Parvo keeps firing, each shot misses.

TOM (IMPERSONATING HUNTER): Ha! You couldn't hit the broad
side of a planet!

Exile's eyes glow red and he fires lasers out of his eyes.

CROW (SARCASTIC): Oh. Sure. Now he does this. Why didn't he
do this back in the barn? It would have saved us a chase
scene.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): I think you just answered your own
question Crow.

The beams hit one of the truck's rear tires. It spins around
and comes to a stop facing the on coming Jeep.

TOM (SARCASTIC): Bat Turn!

The brakes on the Jeep lock up but it is quite obvious it
isn't going to stop before it hits the truck.

CROW (SARCASTIC): Oh yeah! I see! A ten ton truck can stop
on a dime but a two ton Jeep can't!
MIKE (SARCASTIC): They should have bought a Chevy!

Blitz screams as everyone gasps.

TOM (CONFUSED): Hey. Does this mean the Rovers are gonna
die?
MIKE/CROW/TOM (EXCITED): YES!!!

The Rovers disappears as they are pulled back into the
present.

MIKE/CROW/TOM (UPSET): NO!!!
HUNTER (VOICE OVER): Whoa. Cool.
TOM (SARCASTIC): With detective talents like that no wonder
Hunter is the leader.

Parvo screams.

CROW (SARCASTIC): Doh!

Parvo and Groomer jump out of the truck and run away.

MIKE (IMPERSONATING PARVO): I'm out of here!
TOM (IMPERSONATING GROOMER): Lunch!

The Jeep crashes into the truck and it explodes.

CROW (SARCASTIC): It blew up good. Real good.

Switch to a railroad yard.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): And now we switch to our live camera so
you may witness the birth of a train.

"Still The Past" flashes on the screen.

TOM (SARCASTIC): No duh!

A diesel train pulls away from the station.

CROW (SARCASTIC): We now switch to Shinning Time Station:
The Evil Years.

As the train makes its way across the desert.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): I think I can... I think I can... Bah! Who
am I kidding?

Scout appears and races along side the door of an open
boxcar.

TOM (OUT OF BREATH): I'm getting too old for this.

Scout jumps into the boxcar. He peeks out.

CROW (TALKING LIKE AN INDIAN): Ug. Please kids. Don't try
this at home.

Switch back to the barn. Parvo is talking to the phone.

PARVO (SMUG): Yes Shepherd. I have your dog.
MIKE (TALKING LIKE INSPECTOR CLUSO): Does your dog bite?

Parvo holds the phone up top Groomer. She begins to bark
into it.

TOM (ANNOYED): Whoa. The bedroom escapades of Parvo and
Groomer.
CROW (FRIGHTEN): Do we really need to see this?

Switch back to Shepherd Research Laboratory.

SHEPHERD (VOICE OVER): Okay. Parvo. I'll give you the blue
prints.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): For spam.

Switch to Shepherd's office, he is talking on the phone.

SHEPHERD: All I want is Scout.
TOM (SARCASTIC): Aaah. Shepherd is easy. I would have held
out for Lulubell.

Switch back to the barn.

PARVO (SMUG): We'll do the exchange tomorrow night. Six
o'clock.
CROW (SARCASTIC): Nah. Six isn't good for me. How about
thirteenish?

Switch back to Shepherd's office.

PARVO (SMUG): Your lab.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Sure. It's always MY lab.

Shepherd hangs up the phone and begins looking through is
mail.

TOM (SARCASTIC): Oh. I see. He's just so darn upset he's
going to look through his mail.
CROW (SARCASTIC): The man is incredible.

Shepherd opens a letter and reads it.

SHEPHERD (VOICE OVER): Don't trust Parvo. He's going to
double cross you.
MIKE (IMPRESSED): Whoa! He's good. Not once did I see his
lips move.
SHEPHERD (CONFUSED): Huh?
TOM (SARCASTIC): Does the term too many rocket scientists,
not enough rockets mean anything?

The screen changes back to Road Rover Mission Control. "The
Present" appears.

CROW (FRUSTRATED): Not again! Why can't they make up their
minds?
MASTER (VOICE OVER): Welcome back to the present.
MIKE (IMPERSONATING MASTER): Did you bring me anything back?

Switch to the briefing room inside the base. The Master is
speaking to all the Road Rovers.

MASTER (PLEASED): You did a great job.
TOM (SARCASTIC): But unfortunately, I'm gonna have to let
you all go. Down sizing and all. You're being replaced by
gerbils.
HUNTER (DEPRESSED): But Parvo got away Master. We couldn't
stop him.
CROW (IMPERSONATING MASTER): Oh. In that case I guess I'll
have to kill you all.
MASTER (PLEASED): Yes. But you still saved my life.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): And that is a good thing?
HUNTER (CONFUSED): We did? How?
TOM (SARCASTIC): Watch your step. Plot hole.

The Master pulls out the letter from Shag.

MASTER (PLEASED): With this.
CROW (SARCASTIC): A letter from Ed Machman?

The Master shows the letter to Hunter and he reads it.

MASTER (VOICE OVER): Master, Don't trust Parvo. He's going
to double cross you. Love, Shag.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Whoa. Hunter's voice has really changed.

Colleen turns to Shag.

COLLEEN (PLEASED): Shag. You have a way with words.
TOM (SARCASTIC): Unfortunately, they are all four letter
words.

Shag mumbles something.

MIKE (CONFUSED): What did Shag say?
CROW (SARCASTIC): Bite me!

Hunter pulls out a set of golf clubs.

HUNTER (PLEASED): Come on. We can still make our tee off
time.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): So they're dogs which are super heroes
that play golf.
TOM (SARCASTIC): Reminds me of Buckaroo Banzi.
CROW (SARCASTIC): Way too much.

The Rovers walk out carrying their clubs.

MIKE (IMPERSONATING HUNTER): Let's hit the greens Rovers!
TOM (CONFUSED): Speaking of which. The Rovers weren't in
this much.
CROW (SARCASTIC): Yes. Of that we can be thankful.
MASTER (WHISPERS): You're good dogs.
TOM (SARCASTIC): Yeah. But at what?

The screen switches to another railroad yard. "California
The Past (7 Dog Years Ago)" appears on the screen.

MIKE (UPSET): Oh no! Not again!
TOM (ANNOYED): Give it a rest!

Scout is roaming the street alone.

CROW (TALKING LIKE INDIAN): Ug. Bright light, big city.

Suddenly, a net is thrown over Scout.

MIKE (TALKING LIKE AN INDIAN): I not Charlie tuna.

A man throws Scout into the back of a truck.

TOM (TALKING LIKE AN INDIAN): Ug. Take it easy pale face.
MAN (BLUNT): One more passenger Gracie.
CROW (IMPERSONATING GEORGE BURNS): Say goodnight Gracie.
MIKE (IMPERSONATING GRACIE ALLEN): Goodnight Gracie.

In the back of the truck there are several cages. Scout
looks around.

TOM (SARCASTIC): There is no place like home. There is no
place like home.

A black dog who is snarling and drooling appears.

CROW (SARCASTIC): Whoa. He needs a droll bucket. Big time.

As the dog is about to attack Hunter, in pre-Cano-Mutant
form, jumps out of one of the cages with a tennis ball in
his mouth.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): There is no need to fear. Underdog is
here.

Hunter spits it out and hits the black dog, knocking him
into some cages.

TOM (SARCASTIC): Whoa. The Cubs could use you.

The Tennis Ball bounces and rolls back to Hunter's feet.
Hunter pushes it with his noise over to Scout.

CROW (SARCASTIC): Oh great. Now they are turning this into
Lady and the Tramp.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Correction. Tramp and the Tramp.

Scout sniffs the Tennis Ball. He then looks at Hunter and
barks.

TOM (TALKING LIKE AN INDIAN): Ug. You call this a peace
offering? Where are the beads?

The truck continues on. Switch back to the Master.

MASTER (PLEASED): You're good, good dogs.
CROW (IN BABY TALK): Oh yes you are. Yes you are.

The screen fades to black and "ROAD ROVERS" appears on the
screen. Everyone starts clapping.

MIKE (PLEASED): Yeah! It's over!

The end credits begin to play. Muzzle hops up and down while
strapped to his cart.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Whoa! Easy there fella!
TOM (SARCASTIC): Happy little bugger isn't he.
CROW (SARCASTIC): I'm getting sea sick. Would someone please
give him some velum?

"Executive Producer Tom Ruegger" appears on the screen.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Sounds like a name Astro would say.
CROW (TALKING LIKE ASTRO): Okay Rorge.

"Producer Bob Doucette" appears on the screen.

TOM (SARCASTIC): Yes. You'll find the Bob Doucette right
next to the bassinet.

"Associate Producer Jeff Gordon" appears on the screen.

CROW (SARCASTIC): Yes. Jeff was Flash's younger and
oppressed brother.

"Production Manager Bobbie Page" appears on the screen.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Every time you're in a church and you hear
beeping you can thank Bobbie.

"Story Editor Mark Seidenberg" appears on the screen.

TOM (SARCASTIC): The Titanic has hit a Seidenberg and is
sinking!

"Music By Gordon L. Goodwin" and "Theme By Richard Stone"
appear on the screen.

CROW (SARCASTIC): When in Chicago make sure to visit the
Gordon L. Goodwin theater.

"Art Director Hyunsook Cho", "Mixing Supervisor Richard
Freeman" and "Casting Director Leslie Lamers" appear on the
screen.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Actually, I though it was more of a
trolling than casting.

"Voice Direction Andrea Romano" appears on the screen.

TOM (SARCASTIC): Which is of course Caesar's mother.

"Starring The Voices Of Jess Harnell as Hunter", "Tress
MacNeille as Colleen", "Kevin M. Richardson as Exile", "Jeff
Glen Bennett as Blitz", "Frank Welker as Shag", "Joseph
Campanella as The Master", "Jim Cummings as General Parvo",
"Sheena Easton as The Groomer" and "Michael McKean as Dr.
Jeffrey Otitus" appear on the screen.

CROW (UPSET): What! The "One More Gracie" guy didn't get
screen credit!
MIKE (SARCASTIC): Yes. You'd figure George Burns wouldn't be
snubbed.

A bunch of credits appear including "Duke Buck" as one under
"Storyboards".

TOM (IMPERSONATING TWEAKIE): Beadie. Beadie. Beadie. You
call this a storyboarding Buck?

A bunch of credits appear including "Geno DuBois" for
"Archives Supervisor"

CROW (SARCASTIC): Ah. Marge DuBois first husband.

A bunch of credits appear including "Series Development".

MIKE (LAUGHS): Development? People actually did some fore
thought before filming this?
TOM (SARCASTIC): Yeah. I can just see it now. Everyone
sitting around the table. "Hey. I got this great idea! Let's
do a show about talking dogs who save the world!"

A bunch of credits appear including "Christopher Staples:
under "B.G. Color Correction".

CROW (SARCASTIC): Yes, Chris really help keep everything
TOGETHER!

A bunch more credits appear including "Copying & Shipping"

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Ah. Someone actually got credited for
pirating this mess.

A bunch of credits appear including "Jay Weinamn" for
"Videotape Supervisor".

TOM (SARCASTIC): Oh. I could just see Jay sitting there.
"Now you be a good video tape or I'll get the bulk eraser."

A bunch of credits appear including "Sound Recording".

CROW (SARCASTIC): Sound Recording? All they had to do was
bring in tapes of their dogs barking.

A bunch of credits appear including "Foley".

MIKE (CONFUSED): Foley? Ax Foley was involved in all of
this?
TOM (SARCASTIC): Does that really surprise you?

A bunch of credits appear including "Re-Recording".

CROW (SARCASTIC): What? Couldn't they get it right the first
time?

A bunch of credits appear including "Negative Cutting".

MIKE (CONFUSED): Isn't cutting someone down considered
negative?

A bunch of credits appear including "Colorist."

TOM (CONFUSED): Colorist? Say. Isn't that Ted Turner?

A bunch of credits appear including "Production Assistants".

CROW (CONFUSED): Isn't that like student assistants?

A bunch of quotes appears from classic literature.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Are they trying to tell us this film is up
there with Shakespeare?
TOM (SARCASTIC): I would have to agree. I can understand it
as much.

A bunch of credits appear with Japanese names.

CROW (SARCASTIC): I knew it. Mothera was behind all of this!

A bunch of credits appear including "Production
Supervision".

MIKE (SARCASTIC): Oh. I don't think I would admit to
supervising any of this.

"Executive In Charge Of Production Jean MacCurdy" appears on
the screen.

TOM (SARCASTIC): Oooh. Executive in charge of saying "And
why did we make this movie again?"

A bunch of credits appear including "Warner Bros. is the
author of this film/motion picture For the purpose of
article 15(2) of the Berne Convention and all national laws
giving effect thereto."

CROW (SARCASTIC): Oooh. Is that the convention for all the
Weekend At Berne's fans?

The Warner Bros. Shield comes up.

MIKE (SARCASTIC): You ever notice how the Warner Brother's
emblem is a shield.
TOM (SARCASTIC): It would have to be.
CROW (SARCASTIC): Yeah. To protect themselves from all the
rotten vegetables.

The screen fades to black.

MIKE (PLEASED): We're out of here!

Mike picks up Tom.

CROW (SARCASTIC): Good night everyone!

Mike turns and leaves, Crow follows. Switch to tunnel
sequence from Mystery Science Theater 3000 Back on the SOL
set, the gang is all sitting around.

CROW (SARCASTIC): That was a real stinker.
MIKE (SARCASTIC): That is the understatement of the year.
TOM (CONFUSED): There is just one thing I don't understand.

Crow and Mike look at Tom.

CROW (SARCASTIC): The metric system? It is a conspiracy from
Canada.
MIKE (BLUNT): It is really quite simple. It's all based on
tens.
TOM (ANNOYED): No. In the movie. That Parvo guy started out
as a man guy thingie, then went into the past as a cat and
then was turned into a man. If that is the case he wouldn't
be a man the first cycle of time thus he could never have
built that time machine.
MIKE (HONEST): Yeah. That is true.
TOM (CONFUSED): So he would forever be stuck in the past
because every time he got to that point he'd be turned into
a cat and sent back into time.
MIKE (HONEST): True. True.
TOM (CONFUSED): And if that Master guy was only saved by his
dogs when they went into the past wouldn't he have died the
first time history rolled through so he would have no dogs
to save him?
MIKE (HONEST): Yep. Yep.
TOM (CONFUSED): In other words if I try to put any logic to
this movie I'll just end up blowing a fuse. Right?
CROW (BLUNT): You got it Tommy Boy.
TOM (ANNOYED): I thought so. Well, I might as well save us
some time.

Tom screams and short circuits, he falls over. Mike looks at
Crow and smacks him.

MIKE (ANNOYED): Oh great! Now look what you have done?

Crow looks at Mike.

CROW (DEFENSIVE): Me? I was just speeding things up.
MIKE (ANNOYED): Great. Now I'm going to have to fix Tom.
CROW (CAUTIOUS): Ah. Mike. You really think that is a good
idea?
MIKE (CONFUSED): Yeah. Why?
CROW (BLUNT): Remember that time you tried to build a robot?
MIKE (CONFUSED): Aaah. No.
CROW (BLUNT): Well. Let me refresh your memory. IT ALMOST
TRIED TO KILL US!!!
MIKE (EMBARRASSED): Oh yeah. That's right. Hmmm, so I guess
I shouldn't try again.
CROW (ANNOYED): Defiantly not.
MIKE (CONFUSED): Then what are we going to do about Tom?

Crow and Mike think.

CROW (EXCITED): Hey. What about the Nanites?
MIKE (EXCITED): Yeah! They can fix anything!
CROW (SARCASTIC): Now you got the picture.

Mike pauses.

MIKE (CONFUSED): Wait a minute. We didn't discover the
Nanites until Dr. F and Frank left the show.
CROW (SMUG): Hey. The audience just sat through an entire
bad movie caulked full of plot holes as big as a semi. You
really think they are going to notice this tiny one?

Mike nods.

MIKE (HONEST): Good point.

Mike pulls down a screen for an electron microscope. He
looks into in.

MIKE (UNEASY): Er. Mr. Nanites. Sirs. We hate to brother you
but we have a slight problem up here.
NANITE (VOICE OVER): Ha! You think you have got problems.

Switch to the view of the screen for the electron
microscope. A bunch of nanites are on the screen and now
look like dogs. One zip around at super speed leaving a
trail of fire everywhere he goes and yells "Cool". One runs
around freezing other nanites with his cold vision and cries
"My ice maker is on the Otto!" Another runs around biting
other nanites in the butt while yelling "Tooshie!" The
normal nanite looks up to Mike.

NANITE (BLUNT): See what I mean?

From off screen there is a "Hi-Ya" and a Colleen nanite
jumps into view and kicks the normal nanite off the screen.
Switch back to the SOL set. Mike turns away in horror, Crow
notices this.

CROW (CONCERNED): What is it Mike? What did you see?
MIKE (TERRIFIED): Horror. Complete and utter horror. Times
50 billion!
CROW (SARCASTIC): What. They having an Emo Philips
convention?

Mike ignores Crow, looks into the camera.

MIKE (ANGRY): I hope you're happy Dr. Forester! You've
finally have done it!

Switch to the Gizmonic Institute. Frank and Clayton are
pacing back and forth, each is looking over a script. Krankor
is following Clayton.

CLAYTON (DISTANT): Not now Mike. We're in negotiations here.

Clayton turns to Krankor to reveal the title of the script he
holds is "Strayers: The Movie".

CLAYTON (INTERESTED): So Mr. Krankor. What you are saying that
I could have the awfulness of Road Rovers without having to
pay for royalties.
KRANKOR (BUTT KISSING): Yes. My work is a rip-off. Er, I mean,
spin-off of Road Rovers.

Clayton smiles.

CLAYTON (PLEASED): Yes. I particularly like how you've made
your work even more depressing and bland than the original.

Krankor smiles.

KRANKOR (BUTT KISSING): Thanks. You're too kind.

Frank walks up with his script, it reads "KALITAR"

FRANK (PLEASED): And this other stuff is even worse. I mean.
All he did was place cats and dogs in space in human roles.
It is really bad.
CLAYTON (IMPRESSED): Yes. Mr. Krankor is a gifted man.

Clayton looks at Krankor.

CLAYTON (PLEASED): Stick with me Mr. Krankor and we'll rule
the world. Or course, once that happens I'll have to kill
you. Evil Scientist rules and all.
KRANKOR (BUTT KISSING): Oh. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Clayton turns to Frank.

CLAYTON (PLEASED): Push the button, Frank.

Frank turns towards the keyboard, but Krankor rushes over to
it.

KRANKOR (BUTT KISSING): Please. Allow me.

Steve pushes a button on it. Disco lights turn on and disco
music plays. Everyone one notices this. Franks starts
dancing and Clayton sighs.

CLAYTON (SARCASTIC): Oooh. You're gonna fit right in here.

Steve looks at Clayton.

KRANKOR (EMBARRASSED): Sorry.

Clayton smiles.

CLAYTON (SARCASTIC): No matter. Allow me to show you how it
is done.

Clayton walks up to Steve and knees him in the groin, he
doubles over. Clayton grabs him by the neck and drives
Steve's head into the keyboard, the screen goes black.

KRANKOR (VOICE OVER): I would not have predicted this!

The Mystery Science Theater 3000 ending sequence and credits
play.

Switch to the stinger which is PARVO (SARCASTIC): MeOOOW.


THE END